Changes

It’s been a while since I’ve done this
Typed whatever comes into my mind
Just meandered along in words
Lots of thoughts
How much has changed?
How much is the same?
Now a Uni graduate, whatever that means
Am I more confident, different than I was?
Or is that insecure, under confident girl still in there?
The anxiety is still with me at times
Gnawing at my insides, like it has teeth
I’ve grown a lot in the last few years
A lot of changes, some that have stayed the same
Can I counsel others, do I have it in me
I know I can, I have empathy and compassion
I know how hard it can be, how life can be a struggle
I know how much life’s experiences can stay in the mind
Just eroding it away, bit by bit
But I know that while it never goes away, it can be pushed back
Taken out occasionally to examine, but not to take over
So what has changed or is it all the same?
I have, I know I have
Different but still the same
Different but still me.

Kazza

Misty

Misty 1992 - 2009















I see beauty in the sky
Fluffy white clouds drifting by
I feel my girl around me
Even though I no longer see her
I see stars dotted at night
And imagine she’s twinkling above
I lay in bed at night
And imagine she’s next to me
I know she’s with me
A spirit that will never die
A part of me
A part of the universe
A part of what we can’t see
Still there
As beautiful as ever she will be
A spirit, now free

Kazza

Frustration

Frustration
I look at the words
I look at the page
I look at the book
Frustration bubbles up
I can’t put anything down
It flies around in my mind
Buzzing, like an angry bee
Around and around in circles
I feel like throwing it in
Like giving it up
And running away
Far away
Where nobody will find me
Tears prick my eyes
And I refuse to let them fall
I feel like a rebellious child
With bottom lip sticking out
And a mutinous expression on my face
I find other things to do
Anything but what I need to be doing
Frustration
Anger
Mutinous rebellion
Rejection of everything I should be doing
I don’t want to
I just don’t want to do it
And my mind plays games with me
Hating everything, depressed, upset
Feeling alone, forgotten in my frustration
Hating life right now, wanting more
Sinking into a quicksand of need not realised

Kazza

Jim

Big brother
Not by blood
But by bond
Doesn’t seem real yet
Still expect you to be there
Nagging me for that roast dinner
It wasn’t fair
You still had so much to do
Your eyes haunt me
Our conversation plays in my mind
You were a kind man
Accepting of everyone
Open and honest
Cheeky and teasing
But in a nice gentle way
You showed me not all men are the same
And I treasure that gift
As I treasure your friendship
Which you gave so freely, so unconditionally
Thankyou my friend.

Kaz

A Winter Afternoon

Close your eyes and gently drift away
Be in the moment, forget any worries away
Feel the breeze on your skin, softly kissing your face
Hear the sound of the rain, pattering patterns on the ground
Smell the air, tinted with the freshness of winter
Drift deeper into your world, blanket covering cold nose
Listen to the sounds of the world revolving, ever moving
Dog barking, busy with its own mission in life
Cars with harried drivers, always somewhere else to be
Voices in the park, playing in the joys of childhood
Listen with the joy of comfort, a continuously moving world
Feel the blanket warmly enclosing, snuggle deeper
Drift, in that glorious half asleep awareness
Tickle of wool on your nose, weight of a book gone to sleep
Cat brushing gently against your leg, curling up for a nap of its own
Forget the worries of the world, just be in the moment
Drift away on a winter’s afternoon, eyes heavy with dream.

Kazza

Run Away

Hide away little girl
Retreat into safety
Withdraw from the world
Turn your back
And don’t come out
They don’t listen
They don’t want to know
They ignore what’s important
What’s important to you
Making you unimportant to them
Making what you say unimportant
And that hurts
Retreat to where it’s safe
A world of silence
Of not talking
Of watching every word you say
A world of watching and waiting
Of putting on a façade
A face you wear in public
And the one you drop in private
Run away little girl
And come out again when it’s safe.

Kazza

Meandering

Taking a wander through my mind, words sitting in waiting
A picture flashes into my vision, a path meandering along
Sadness has settled the last two days, no real reason why
I’m learning to sit with it, just to let it be, it’s there for a reason
Unfinished business, a heaviness to it that never seems to go
It feels like it will never be finished and maybe that’s true
I know it will lift, even though its place is in the back of my mind
Betrayal is hard to forget; trust is even harder to regain
A feeling of being less than; of being easy to leave behind
Of being unimportant; it’s hard to shake those feelings
No matter how much I work on it, they remain with me
Too deeply entrenched to ever leave entirely, sitting in my soul
Not really a sad poem this, although maybe in a way
More a reflection, a lost sort of feeling, needing perhaps
Wishes, like butterfly’s floating softly on the breeze
Drifting away, somehow out of reach.

Kazza

Choosing a Path

I really like the following quote by James Hollis, author of “The Eden Project: In Search of the Magical Other” and “The Middle Passage: From Misery to Meaning in Midlife”:

“I am not only what happened to me; I am also what I choose to become”.

It really stood out for me at this point in my life.

Kazza

Anxiety

I've probably posted this one before but this is how I felt towards the end of last week. And I've decided anxiety is NOT going to get the better of me. I will attack it back and I will win. I HATE being anxious, so much. It plays havoc with my life, it feels like crap and I don't want it anymore.

It can appear suddenly, clawing at my insides
With a pain that grips, like an iron claw
Or it can ache, just sitting there, gnawing away
It doesn’t matter, whatever way it starts
It hurts like nothing on earth, red and nasty
I don’t know what it’s about, most times it doesn’t let me know
It’s vague about the reason, just lets me know it’s there
Sometimes I know and maybe don’t want to acknowledge
It’s an out of control fear, a feeling deep down inside
Something that’s out of my control, that might happen
And I won’t be able to stop it, no matter how much I try
It’s a feeling of impending doom, of being lost
Of being left alone, abandoned and no good anymore
It’s a feeling of not knowing what’s next, of people who can hurt
Without even being aware that they do, it’s a child’s feeling
That comes from knowing hurt, anticipating the worse
It’s a feeling I can’t seem to stop, it bites with ferocious teeth
Sinking in and not letting go, until the fear gradually evaporates
Into thin air, like it never was, but waiting, just waiting
Until the next time, until the pain can hit again, until the feeling of doom comes again
And I can only wait and hope it stays away.

Kazza

I’m floating, in a sea of deep deep purple
A turtle swims beside me, companionably
I never seem to get anywhere, in this sea of purple
The turtle is joined by big green eyed fish, looking straight ahead to no where
We swim for a while, in silence, each contemplating their own journey
A pod of dolphins joins in, doing acrobats and entertaining with their tricks
The sea changes colour, turning into a deep dark red, and suddenly I’m alone
My stomach tightens in fear; my breath comes in shallow gasps
I’m aware of danger, but I can’t see it, it seems to be just out of my reach
I wait for the danger to strike, my stomach in never ending knots, tightening to excruciating pain
When nothing happens, the tightness lessens, my breath starts to become even
But still the fear sits in my belly, some terror within me that just remains out of my awareness
Then suddenly, it passes, the knots lessen, the terror goes away
And I’m swimming again, sometimes getting somewhere, sometimes not
In a deep deep sea of purple, or maybe pink, sometimes blue
Sometimes alone, sometimes with companions, always with something that remains within the deep recesses of my mind
Just out of reach.

Kazza

Precipice

I’m standing at the edge of the world; a panorama spread before me
I can see the sun radiating in streams of light, blinding me in its brightness
I feel like anything is possible, even if I might be afraid
The fear sits in my stomach, but still I push ahead, regardless
I’ve learnt that it will eventually pass; the fear and the trepidation
As I push past my comfort zone, I get to know me more and more
I stand on a precipice, crumbling rocks rolling down the hill
I’m teetering but I keep my balance; sometimes I fall but I get back up
Sometimes it proves too much and tears come to my eyes, blurring everything
But they pass and I see everything clearly now; where I have to go
Lack of confidence kept me down before; I don’t want that to happen now
So I make my way down the hill, slipping and sliding, sometimes crawling
But still pushing ahead; never giving up, on myself, on what life can be
Just living for now, starting to believe…………believing……...in life.

Kazza

Placement

Well, what can I say about placement? There is a whole mixture of emotions probably, at testing my skills out in a real counselling situation. I haven’t actually started counselling anyone yet though. My supervisor did an assessment on the client I will have in the future and from now on I will begin counselling her. Providing of course she makes another appointment.

I went into the placement on Friday expecting to slot in like I’ve been there ten years. That’s how I am – no room for mistakes or the fact that it was my first day. Must be perfect!! I felt very inadequate at times, yet the feedback I got was positive. I felt out of my depth and expected myself to know everything, for example writing up an assessment. And yet I’d never done that before.

But I am very aware of my thought processes are how out of kilter they are in comparison to reality. I am a student – they don’t expect me to know everything. I don’t feel sometimes that I am very articulate in my speech and find explaining things difficult at times. But I also know where that comes from and it is something I will work on. I don’t have a lot of inner trust because I wasn’t allowed to develop that as a child. I wasn’t allowed to make decisions and I rarely spoke up. I also wasn’t allowed to have opinions. So I know where I am coming from when I say I don’t have trust in myself or my thoughts.

The positive is that I have a very supportive supervisor and the people are all friendly. I am very eager to learn and everything is interesting to me. I also think I take the initiative quite well, although I may have to watch myself with that because I take independence too far sometimes. I think as I settle in I will gain in confidence. I am never good at going into new situations and it takes me a while to settle. I’m excited to be on placement, although it has been eclipsed by nerves and can’t wait to learn more from my supervisor and the other people at the agency.

Kazza

My Week

It has been a big week this week. I’ve started Uni for 2009 and the first week is always very stressful or I find it is anyway. I’m also starting my placement tomorrow, which was very last minute because I expected to do it next semester. So that’s been a bit of an adjustment, getting my head around being out there in an agency and putting what I’ve learnt to the test. I’m one of those people who needs to be organised otherwise I think I just tend to get in a tizz. And this week I have felt very disorganised, even tho I probably haven’t been.

I’m lucky because the agency I am going to seems to be very supportive of their students. I will have a lovely supervisor who I think will be very good to be placed with for my first experience of counselling. I went through my nursing career with very little confidence, if any and that’s what I’ve been so afraid of with this.

Of course for the first week of uni, they throw the assignments and presentations at you and that always puts me in a spin. Counselling comes under the Arts and Sciences banner now and they are so particular with their referencing and their essays. And every semester we get lectured about the right way to do things and about plagiarism.

I also had some sad news today about my chook. She had been living next door because they have chooks and ducks and she had been escaping over there all the time anyway. My next door neighbour told me today that she died. My next door neighbour’s dog mauled her and she was taken to the vet but it was kinder to put her down. But my neighbour told me she was boss of the chook yard and the other chooks all stood back. All I could think was, that was my Chookie girl – personality plus for a chook. I don’t blame the dog or my neighbour because I think Chookie girl most likely flew at the dog. She had done that with my dog a couple of times. So I am very sad that she had to end her days like that.

Kazza

Wandering Mind

What can I do, sitting here pondering my words
I want to write something, but what I cannot think
Write for the sake of it, for something to say
Or put my typing fingers away, read a good book
I think I’ll just meander, take a walk through my mind
It’s thinking about Uni, going back into the fray
Partly scared, partly excited, mostly ready to go back
Boredom is setting in; I’m ready for mind boosting
Thinking about assignments, reading and more
I become aware of sounds, a cricket in the background
The fan making noisy turns, a duck in the yard next door
I’m aware of an ache in my neck, tired eyes
This poem is a mishmash of different things
My mind wanders again, been cranky lately and feeling down
I know why, so maybe that’s good, to be aware
I don’t like being like that, on the verge of tears all the time
Feel like I’m all alone, very much alone, not a nice feeling at all
My mind jumps to other things, hearing a car out the front
My neighbour working on his boat, so long since I’ve been fishing
Memories of my Grandad bring a smile to my face, I miss him so much
A train toots its horn in the distance, wind chimes jangle in the breeze
I wondered what life was all about last night, whether it was worth it
Misty comes to see what I’m doing, has a doggy talk to me
The breeze is getting brisk; I love the sound of the wind
I didn’t want to be here last night, now I’m glad I am

Kazza

Why can't I?

Grumpy
Very grumpy
Why?
Because I can be
Hide it
Had to hide it
Couldn’t be angry
Couldn’t be grumpy
Sad
Inside sadness
Feeling pushed aside
Boundaries
Fucking boundaries
I hate them
Rigid boundaries
What I always had
One rule for everyone
One rule for me
Couldn’t
Mustn’t
Don’t
Fuck it!!
Anger
Deep down anger
You can’t
You mustn’t
Be good
Be good
Fuck be good
Do what you’re told
Puppet on a string
Dance to the tune
Others can, you can’t
I’m tired of it
I’m bruised by it
I’m sad
Why can’t I……………
Why?

Kazza

Words

I wait for sleep to claim me, eyes shut tightly
Words are going through my mind, in a never ending stream
The words are childish words, almost like a chant
I feel like I’ve regressed, flitting between child and teenager
An image comes into my mind and I try to banish it, I don’t want it there
I never called him daddy, so why is that going through my mind?
It was too childish to call him daddy, even for a child saying her first words
Words keep repeating themselves, repeating, repeating, repeating
In a mind that wants to make sense of something, but can’t seem to grasp it
Sometimes the soul shatters all over again,
And then I have to put it back together, as best I can
All I want is to sleep, for the words to go away, for tightly shut eyes to stay that way
Flitting between child and teenager, grow up, grow up, quickly now
I’ll teach you all about it, I should be allowed to do that, look what you do to me
All my fault, all my fault
A little girl again, learning first words, running through my head
Sleep
Eventually
Words running………..
Sleep..

Kazza

Eyes

I have a thing about eyes. If there is no other part of the face showing – like just the eyes, it really freaks me out. If there is an ad or article in a magazine, with a photo of just the eyes showing, I have been known to cover them over so I can finish reading the page. I wonder why they get to me so much?

It is the same with web pages. When I have gone into my hotmail account I’ve had advertisements that show just the eyes and I hate it. They seem to be staring right at me and it makes me very uncomfortable. Maybe it is because I can’t tell what the expression is? Sometimes you can if the person is really laughing or has expressive eyes. I wonder if then I wouldn’t mind so much – if I could see their expression and knew what it meant.

I think it is because I need to know if they are angry. I think that’s the reason and eyes look angry without the rest of the face. Probably not logical thinking but that’s how it feels to me. I need to know if they are judging me and I can’t see by just the eyes – I need the whole face. It scares me, just seeing the eyes and no other part of the face. For me it is the stuff of nightmares.

Actually just thinking of it sometimes it freaks me even when the whole face is showing and I'm trying to read an article in a magazine. I can't stand someone staring back at me while I'm trying to read. I'm really a bit of an odd bod, aren't I!!

Funny what pushes our buttons, isn’t it?

Kazza

Three things about me (from Kahless)

Three jobs I have had in my life:
Radio Operator in fire season for the Forestry Department
Enrolled Nurse
Computer tutor

Three TV shows that I watch:
Better Homes and Gardens
Air crash investigators
Two and a Half Men

Three places I have lived:
Derby – north west of Western Australia
Beverley – Wheat belt of Western Austalia
Maylands – Perth Western Australia

Three places I have been this week:
Perth City
Midland
Woodbridge

Three people who email me regularly:
Rosymosie (aka Madeleine)
Veedub
Kris

Three of my favourite foods:
Roast
Corned Beef
Cheesecake

Three places I’d rather be:
Living in a cold country
Travelling - anywhere
Sitting having a coffee with a friend

Three friends I think will respond to this message:
Kahless (already has)
No one else I don’t think

Kazza

Confidence

Only another month to go until I go back to University for my third year. I can’t believe how quickly those years have gone. This year we have placement, where we get placed with a counselling agency and do work experience. One of my friends was telling me today that she has her placement for the first semester and how nervous she is. I’m doing mine in second semester and I don’t know if that is good or bad. I think I’d rather be getting it over with in first semester.

I will have another half a year after this one I think because we have core units we have to do and I haven’t done any of those yet. I’m looking forward to going back to Uni and I’m not. Once I’m there and settle back I imagine I’ll be okay. I have gained in confidence a lot over the last few years. When I was nursing I didn’t have any confidence what so ever in myself. If I had had more confidence I wouldn’t have gone into geriatric nursing after having worked in general nursing. It wasn’t the best decision in the world but it was the only decision for me at the time.

When I worked both in a country town in the wheat belt and in the north of the state, I was hoping that I would gain in confidence. But having never had confidence and not having anyone to mentor me or believe in me, it didn’t happen. When I was a child growing up, I wasn’t allowed to make the simplest decision. So I didn’t gain any trust in my own ability to make decisions. I was also very afraid of doing something wrong because that wasn’t allowed in my family. It’s such a shame when I think of it now but the way I grew up just sapped all my confidence.

I think that having been a person who had absolutely no confidence in themselves, to start building that confidence is daunting. There is still a naggy little voice inside that calls me a fraud. Who do I think I am to think I can get a university education and go out there and counsel people? When I was nursing and in my personal life I remember having no confidence in my own perception of things. By that I mean I second guessed everything I did and felt I was always wrong or was going to do something wrong. It is an awful feeling to be doing that constantly.

Now I have begun to build up my confidence and I am a lot more confident than I ever was before. In some areas anyway. In other areas it is still a process in happening I think. I can’t take back those years and I wouldn’t because I made a lot of lovely friends and met a lot of great people while I was nursing. But it’s only been the last few years that I have begun to be an individual, have my own opinions and become my own person. And to start to know who I am and why I’ve dealt with things the way I have. But now I am starting my third year of Uni and I can’t believe I have come this far.

Kazza

Freedom

The sea
Freedom
Water touching feet
Cold
Sand moving beneath
Cold, sandy feet
A horizon
That seems so far away
Waves in never ending motion
Like my mind
Constantly turning over
Cool breeze touching my skin
Shivers running up my arms
Hair blowing around my face
Fresh and invigorating
Worries blown away in the wind
Only sensations in the moment
Cold, sand, wind and waves

Kazza