Anxiety

I've probably posted this one before but this is how I felt towards the end of last week. And I've decided anxiety is NOT going to get the better of me. I will attack it back and I will win. I HATE being anxious, so much. It plays havoc with my life, it feels like crap and I don't want it anymore.

It can appear suddenly, clawing at my insides
With a pain that grips, like an iron claw
Or it can ache, just sitting there, gnawing away
It doesn’t matter, whatever way it starts
It hurts like nothing on earth, red and nasty
I don’t know what it’s about, most times it doesn’t let me know
It’s vague about the reason, just lets me know it’s there
Sometimes I know and maybe don’t want to acknowledge
It’s an out of control fear, a feeling deep down inside
Something that’s out of my control, that might happen
And I won’t be able to stop it, no matter how much I try
It’s a feeling of impending doom, of being lost
Of being left alone, abandoned and no good anymore
It’s a feeling of not knowing what’s next, of people who can hurt
Without even being aware that they do, it’s a child’s feeling
That comes from knowing hurt, anticipating the worse
It’s a feeling I can’t seem to stop, it bites with ferocious teeth
Sinking in and not letting go, until the fear gradually evaporates
Into thin air, like it never was, but waiting, just waiting
Until the next time, until the pain can hit again, until the feeling of doom comes again
And I can only wait and hope it stays away.

Kazza

I’m floating, in a sea of deep deep purple
A turtle swims beside me, companionably
I never seem to get anywhere, in this sea of purple
The turtle is joined by big green eyed fish, looking straight ahead to no where
We swim for a while, in silence, each contemplating their own journey
A pod of dolphins joins in, doing acrobats and entertaining with their tricks
The sea changes colour, turning into a deep dark red, and suddenly I’m alone
My stomach tightens in fear; my breath comes in shallow gasps
I’m aware of danger, but I can’t see it, it seems to be just out of my reach
I wait for the danger to strike, my stomach in never ending knots, tightening to excruciating pain
When nothing happens, the tightness lessens, my breath starts to become even
But still the fear sits in my belly, some terror within me that just remains out of my awareness
Then suddenly, it passes, the knots lessen, the terror goes away
And I’m swimming again, sometimes getting somewhere, sometimes not
In a deep deep sea of purple, or maybe pink, sometimes blue
Sometimes alone, sometimes with companions, always with something that remains within the deep recesses of my mind
Just out of reach.

Kazza

Precipice

I’m standing at the edge of the world; a panorama spread before me
I can see the sun radiating in streams of light, blinding me in its brightness
I feel like anything is possible, even if I might be afraid
The fear sits in my stomach, but still I push ahead, regardless
I’ve learnt that it will eventually pass; the fear and the trepidation
As I push past my comfort zone, I get to know me more and more
I stand on a precipice, crumbling rocks rolling down the hill
I’m teetering but I keep my balance; sometimes I fall but I get back up
Sometimes it proves too much and tears come to my eyes, blurring everything
But they pass and I see everything clearly now; where I have to go
Lack of confidence kept me down before; I don’t want that to happen now
So I make my way down the hill, slipping and sliding, sometimes crawling
But still pushing ahead; never giving up, on myself, on what life can be
Just living for now, starting to believe…………believing……...in life.

Kazza

Placement

Well, what can I say about placement? There is a whole mixture of emotions probably, at testing my skills out in a real counselling situation. I haven’t actually started counselling anyone yet though. My supervisor did an assessment on the client I will have in the future and from now on I will begin counselling her. Providing of course she makes another appointment.

I went into the placement on Friday expecting to slot in like I’ve been there ten years. That’s how I am – no room for mistakes or the fact that it was my first day. Must be perfect!! I felt very inadequate at times, yet the feedback I got was positive. I felt out of my depth and expected myself to know everything, for example writing up an assessment. And yet I’d never done that before.

But I am very aware of my thought processes are how out of kilter they are in comparison to reality. I am a student – they don’t expect me to know everything. I don’t feel sometimes that I am very articulate in my speech and find explaining things difficult at times. But I also know where that comes from and it is something I will work on. I don’t have a lot of inner trust because I wasn’t allowed to develop that as a child. I wasn’t allowed to make decisions and I rarely spoke up. I also wasn’t allowed to have opinions. So I know where I am coming from when I say I don’t have trust in myself or my thoughts.

The positive is that I have a very supportive supervisor and the people are all friendly. I am very eager to learn and everything is interesting to me. I also think I take the initiative quite well, although I may have to watch myself with that because I take independence too far sometimes. I think as I settle in I will gain in confidence. I am never good at going into new situations and it takes me a while to settle. I’m excited to be on placement, although it has been eclipsed by nerves and can’t wait to learn more from my supervisor and the other people at the agency.

Kazza