My Week

It has been a big week this week. I’ve started Uni for 2009 and the first week is always very stressful or I find it is anyway. I’m also starting my placement tomorrow, which was very last minute because I expected to do it next semester. So that’s been a bit of an adjustment, getting my head around being out there in an agency and putting what I’ve learnt to the test. I’m one of those people who needs to be organised otherwise I think I just tend to get in a tizz. And this week I have felt very disorganised, even tho I probably haven’t been.

I’m lucky because the agency I am going to seems to be very supportive of their students. I will have a lovely supervisor who I think will be very good to be placed with for my first experience of counselling. I went through my nursing career with very little confidence, if any and that’s what I’ve been so afraid of with this.

Of course for the first week of uni, they throw the assignments and presentations at you and that always puts me in a spin. Counselling comes under the Arts and Sciences banner now and they are so particular with their referencing and their essays. And every semester we get lectured about the right way to do things and about plagiarism.

I also had some sad news today about my chook. She had been living next door because they have chooks and ducks and she had been escaping over there all the time anyway. My next door neighbour told me today that she died. My next door neighbour’s dog mauled her and she was taken to the vet but it was kinder to put her down. But my neighbour told me she was boss of the chook yard and the other chooks all stood back. All I could think was, that was my Chookie girl – personality plus for a chook. I don’t blame the dog or my neighbour because I think Chookie girl most likely flew at the dog. She had done that with my dog a couple of times. So I am very sad that she had to end her days like that.

Kazza

Wandering Mind

What can I do, sitting here pondering my words
I want to write something, but what I cannot think
Write for the sake of it, for something to say
Or put my typing fingers away, read a good book
I think I’ll just meander, take a walk through my mind
It’s thinking about Uni, going back into the fray
Partly scared, partly excited, mostly ready to go back
Boredom is setting in; I’m ready for mind boosting
Thinking about assignments, reading and more
I become aware of sounds, a cricket in the background
The fan making noisy turns, a duck in the yard next door
I’m aware of an ache in my neck, tired eyes
This poem is a mishmash of different things
My mind wanders again, been cranky lately and feeling down
I know why, so maybe that’s good, to be aware
I don’t like being like that, on the verge of tears all the time
Feel like I’m all alone, very much alone, not a nice feeling at all
My mind jumps to other things, hearing a car out the front
My neighbour working on his boat, so long since I’ve been fishing
Memories of my Grandad bring a smile to my face, I miss him so much
A train toots its horn in the distance, wind chimes jangle in the breeze
I wondered what life was all about last night, whether it was worth it
Misty comes to see what I’m doing, has a doggy talk to me
The breeze is getting brisk; I love the sound of the wind
I didn’t want to be here last night, now I’m glad I am

Kazza

Why can't I?

Grumpy
Very grumpy
Why?
Because I can be
Hide it
Had to hide it
Couldn’t be angry
Couldn’t be grumpy
Sad
Inside sadness
Feeling pushed aside
Boundaries
Fucking boundaries
I hate them
Rigid boundaries
What I always had
One rule for everyone
One rule for me
Couldn’t
Mustn’t
Don’t
Fuck it!!
Anger
Deep down anger
You can’t
You mustn’t
Be good
Be good
Fuck be good
Do what you’re told
Puppet on a string
Dance to the tune
Others can, you can’t
I’m tired of it
I’m bruised by it
I’m sad
Why can’t I……………
Why?

Kazza

Words

I wait for sleep to claim me, eyes shut tightly
Words are going through my mind, in a never ending stream
The words are childish words, almost like a chant
I feel like I’ve regressed, flitting between child and teenager
An image comes into my mind and I try to banish it, I don’t want it there
I never called him daddy, so why is that going through my mind?
It was too childish to call him daddy, even for a child saying her first words
Words keep repeating themselves, repeating, repeating, repeating
In a mind that wants to make sense of something, but can’t seem to grasp it
Sometimes the soul shatters all over again,
And then I have to put it back together, as best I can
All I want is to sleep, for the words to go away, for tightly shut eyes to stay that way
Flitting between child and teenager, grow up, grow up, quickly now
I’ll teach you all about it, I should be allowed to do that, look what you do to me
All my fault, all my fault
A little girl again, learning first words, running through my head
Sleep
Eventually
Words running………..
Sleep..

Kazza