Eyes

I have a thing about eyes. If there is no other part of the face showing – like just the eyes, it really freaks me out. If there is an ad or article in a magazine, with a photo of just the eyes showing, I have been known to cover them over so I can finish reading the page. I wonder why they get to me so much?

It is the same with web pages. When I have gone into my hotmail account I’ve had advertisements that show just the eyes and I hate it. They seem to be staring right at me and it makes me very uncomfortable. Maybe it is because I can’t tell what the expression is? Sometimes you can if the person is really laughing or has expressive eyes. I wonder if then I wouldn’t mind so much – if I could see their expression and knew what it meant.

I think it is because I need to know if they are angry. I think that’s the reason and eyes look angry without the rest of the face. Probably not logical thinking but that’s how it feels to me. I need to know if they are judging me and I can’t see by just the eyes – I need the whole face. It scares me, just seeing the eyes and no other part of the face. For me it is the stuff of nightmares.

Actually just thinking of it sometimes it freaks me even when the whole face is showing and I'm trying to read an article in a magazine. I can't stand someone staring back at me while I'm trying to read. I'm really a bit of an odd bod, aren't I!!

Funny what pushes our buttons, isn’t it?

Kazza

Three things about me (from Kahless)

Three jobs I have had in my life:
Radio Operator in fire season for the Forestry Department
Enrolled Nurse
Computer tutor

Three TV shows that I watch:
Better Homes and Gardens
Air crash investigators
Two and a Half Men

Three places I have lived:
Derby – north west of Western Australia
Beverley – Wheat belt of Western Austalia
Maylands – Perth Western Australia

Three places I have been this week:
Perth City
Midland
Woodbridge

Three people who email me regularly:
Rosymosie (aka Madeleine)
Veedub
Kris

Three of my favourite foods:
Roast
Corned Beef
Cheesecake

Three places I’d rather be:
Living in a cold country
Travelling - anywhere
Sitting having a coffee with a friend

Three friends I think will respond to this message:
Kahless (already has)
No one else I don’t think

Kazza

Confidence

Only another month to go until I go back to University for my third year. I can’t believe how quickly those years have gone. This year we have placement, where we get placed with a counselling agency and do work experience. One of my friends was telling me today that she has her placement for the first semester and how nervous she is. I’m doing mine in second semester and I don’t know if that is good or bad. I think I’d rather be getting it over with in first semester.

I will have another half a year after this one I think because we have core units we have to do and I haven’t done any of those yet. I’m looking forward to going back to Uni and I’m not. Once I’m there and settle back I imagine I’ll be okay. I have gained in confidence a lot over the last few years. When I was nursing I didn’t have any confidence what so ever in myself. If I had had more confidence I wouldn’t have gone into geriatric nursing after having worked in general nursing. It wasn’t the best decision in the world but it was the only decision for me at the time.

When I worked both in a country town in the wheat belt and in the north of the state, I was hoping that I would gain in confidence. But having never had confidence and not having anyone to mentor me or believe in me, it didn’t happen. When I was a child growing up, I wasn’t allowed to make the simplest decision. So I didn’t gain any trust in my own ability to make decisions. I was also very afraid of doing something wrong because that wasn’t allowed in my family. It’s such a shame when I think of it now but the way I grew up just sapped all my confidence.

I think that having been a person who had absolutely no confidence in themselves, to start building that confidence is daunting. There is still a naggy little voice inside that calls me a fraud. Who do I think I am to think I can get a university education and go out there and counsel people? When I was nursing and in my personal life I remember having no confidence in my own perception of things. By that I mean I second guessed everything I did and felt I was always wrong or was going to do something wrong. It is an awful feeling to be doing that constantly.

Now I have begun to build up my confidence and I am a lot more confident than I ever was before. In some areas anyway. In other areas it is still a process in happening I think. I can’t take back those years and I wouldn’t because I made a lot of lovely friends and met a lot of great people while I was nursing. But it’s only been the last few years that I have begun to be an individual, have my own opinions and become my own person. And to start to know who I am and why I’ve dealt with things the way I have. But now I am starting my third year of Uni and I can’t believe I have come this far.

Kazza

Freedom

The sea
Freedom
Water touching feet
Cold
Sand moving beneath
Cold, sandy feet
A horizon
That seems so far away
Waves in never ending motion
Like my mind
Constantly turning over
Cool breeze touching my skin
Shivers running up my arms
Hair blowing around my face
Fresh and invigorating
Worries blown away in the wind
Only sensations in the moment
Cold, sand, wind and waves

Kazza

Computer Down

Computer was down
Bugger
What to do
Read
Can’t find anything
Housework
God no!
TV
Give that a miss
Shopping
Nah
Computer was down
Boredom set in
Bugger
Missing blogger friends
Kahless, Rosiemosie, Tony and more
I missed my computer
Like I’d miss a good friend
But now I have it back again
Thank goodness for that
If anyone wants me
They know where I’ll be
In front of the computer
Tapping on the keys!!

Kazza

Edge of the Universe

Standing at the end of the universe
Ready to jump off into the nothingness
Of complete blackness, nothing to be seen
Not even a hand in front of my face
No stars and no light, just black
I sit so that my feet are dangling
Dangling over the edge of the universe,
Swinging my legs backwards and forwards
The air swirls around bright little particles
That disperses into the blackness
My thoughts fill my mind, my face stays blank
I’m an actress; you’ll never know what I think
And I’m sitting at the end of the universe
Hoping to catch a ride on a star
That will swirl me through the darkness
Exhilarating, with wind blowing through my hair
I’m free and I laugh delightfully
If I topple off, which I just might
I’ll float through the blackness, free falling
Until my feet touch earth again
And once more I sit at the end of the universe
Waiting for the next star to wiz me away.

Kazza

At odds
With myself
Restless
Alone
Lonely?
Music
In the background
Thoughts
Inside my head
Air conditioner
Buzzing behind me
Tired
Back is aching
Constantly nagging me
Tears threatening
For whatever reason
Wants
That aren’t realised
Needs
That won’t be mine
My fault
Nobody else’s
Just the way I am
And life continues on
Every day much the same
And life just goes on………………

Kazza