Anythng is Possible

Anything is possible
In a space that goes on and on
To dive into that space
What would I find?
That time just keeps going?
That I can do anything I want to
As long as I jump into the circles?
And the circles will whirl me round and round
Until I am so dizzy I’ve lost my way
Where everything will suddenly be new
And anything is possible?

Kazza

My Christmas

Well, finally this year I had my Christmas how I wanted it – alone. It may sound a bit awful to those people who like a lot of other people around but I really enjoyed just being me. By just being me, I mean that I could just relax and not worry about how I might be coming across or having to watch other people’s moods. Because that’s what I do when I am with other people. I am always hyper vigilant to what others are doing. So on Christmas Day I could just relax and just be.

I am a social phobic person, although I have got a bit better in the last few years. But not to the point where I really enjoy being around groups of people or I can relax. In my family of origin I had to be always aware of my family’s moods and that included everyone really. My Dad was the main one – we all watched his mood and trod on eggshells. It’s still a bit that way now. Mum was preoccupied with watching what Dad was doing but she could sometimes be as bad as Dad. And my brother took his temper out on me, probably because he couldn’t with anyone else in the family.

So I’m very aware of what people’s expressions are and very alert to changes in mood. It was so nice to just relax and not have to do that this Christmas. I did some reading, went on the computer, had some phone calls and some text messages and just veged out. I think it was a good choice, for me.

I hope everyone else had a Christmas the way they wanted it to be as well.

Kazza

Choices

It’s nearly Christmas time
Family time, friends, gatherings
And once more I cut myself off
The word no comes out of my mouth
More often than the word yes
I want to be alone, in a glass box
That shields me from others
I’m thoughtful, foraging deep
But no answers come to my mind
I want to wrap myself in protection
Afraid always of doing something wrong
So I will be alone, in my own world
Of my making, of my choice
To make of it what I will
To be, in the only way I know how.

Kazza

Kahless's Challenge - 10 honest things about me.

10 honest things about myself

I have lived by myself for 24 years, with only a fur kid for company for the past 16 and three quarters.

I am afraid of spiders and anything that crawls, jumps, stings, bites and has more legs than it should.

I wish I had started therapy years ago and then I might not have been so afraid of life and people.

I am afraid of having a heart attack because of a family history and get anxious at the least pain.

I love reading and if I haven’t got a book I’ve been known to read anything in desperation!!

I feel restless inside, particularly with therapy, because I want to express myself in other ways. I want to do, not just sit and talk. Poetry was a start.

Life hasn’t turned out how I dreamed it would be and that’s a disappointment. I dreamed of children and a family – a nice big family. And someone to love me.

If I could I would have a place where rescued animals could go, be rehabilitated and found new homes or if they were wildlife, released.

I am still afraid of being with people, with a feeling inside that I have overstayed my welcome or I’m not really wanted.

I am so happy that I have been working on myself the last few years because it’s better late than never and I believe I can, if not change, alter in some way the messages I have from childhood.

Kazza

Make Believe

Is it always going to be like this?
A deep down depression, just under the surface
But there, constantly there
Always ready to bring me down
Not noticeable most of the time
I can laugh, I can talk, I can forget
But when I’m by myself, it creeps up
Pouncing on me, in the middle of the night
Thoughts, images, conversations
All vying for attention, all talking at once
And I picture a little girl, overwhelmed
Wanting to escape into a fantasy world
Where reality didn’t exist, only make believe
So that she could get what she needed, wanted
But now when the adult knows what reality is
The little girl still wants to escape
And the depression sits in her soul
In the soul of the little girl who still remembers
Who is part of the adult whose pain is real
And there’s no more escape
Into a fantasy world of make believe.

Kazza

Creativity

I can be creative
Like I never thought before
I can write poetry
That just pops into my mind
I can be creative
That spark wasn’t squashed down
All it needed was encouragement
To blossom within my mind
I can be creative
With an imagination that knows no bounds
I can make words
Dance upon the page
I can be creative
Words juggling before my eyes
I love my creativity
It’s my heart and soul.

Kazza

Indianna Kazza

This is the little buggy my friend drove around in when we were looking at the grounds of the cockatoo sanctuary. I felt like an adventurer in it!!














This little guy spent the whole time staring at me. My friend said he loves different people. He also talks.













This is one of the three sheep which are very friendly and roam around the back of the house. They came up to us to say hello.














Here’s the three of them together.














I was warned to remove my fingers – quickly!! This little one has a taste for biting fingers evidently. He looks like he is in jail but they have nice big cages and everything is kept as natural as possible.

Indianna Kazza

Black Cockatoos

He almost looks like he's smiling in this photo!!

Today I went to a wildlife park which is in the process of being converted into a black cockatoo sanctuary. My friend's brother has taken over the lease and rescues injured birds - mainly black cockatoos. Black cockatoos are at risk of being wiped out, particularly with their habitat being taken over by urban sprawl.


Feed Time!!

They have a baby cockatoo there at the moment and I got to have a hold of him. He's gorgeous and is being hand fed, so I watched while my friend fed him with a syringe.


I get a hold!!

If you want to know more about black cockatoos: cockatoos

I'll post some more photos later.

Kazza