Changes

It’s been a while since I’ve done this
Typed whatever comes into my mind
Just meandered along in words
Lots of thoughts
How much has changed?
How much is the same?
Now a Uni graduate, whatever that means
Am I more confident, different than I was?
Or is that insecure, under confident girl still in there?
The anxiety is still with me at times
Gnawing at my insides, like it has teeth
I’ve grown a lot in the last few years
A lot of changes, some that have stayed the same
Can I counsel others, do I have it in me
I know I can, I have empathy and compassion
I know how hard it can be, how life can be a struggle
I know how much life’s experiences can stay in the mind
Just eroding it away, bit by bit
But I know that while it never goes away, it can be pushed back
Taken out occasionally to examine, but not to take over
So what has changed or is it all the same?
I have, I know I have
Different but still the same
Different but still me.

Kazza

Misty

Misty 1992 - 2009















I see beauty in the sky
Fluffy white clouds drifting by
I feel my girl around me
Even though I no longer see her
I see stars dotted at night
And imagine she’s twinkling above
I lay in bed at night
And imagine she’s next to me
I know she’s with me
A spirit that will never die
A part of me
A part of the universe
A part of what we can’t see
Still there
As beautiful as ever she will be
A spirit, now free

Kazza

Frustration

Frustration
I look at the words
I look at the page
I look at the book
Frustration bubbles up
I can’t put anything down
It flies around in my mind
Buzzing, like an angry bee
Around and around in circles
I feel like throwing it in
Like giving it up
And running away
Far away
Where nobody will find me
Tears prick my eyes
And I refuse to let them fall
I feel like a rebellious child
With bottom lip sticking out
And a mutinous expression on my face
I find other things to do
Anything but what I need to be doing
Frustration
Anger
Mutinous rebellion
Rejection of everything I should be doing
I don’t want to
I just don’t want to do it
And my mind plays games with me
Hating everything, depressed, upset
Feeling alone, forgotten in my frustration
Hating life right now, wanting more
Sinking into a quicksand of need not realised

Kazza

Jim

Big brother
Not by blood
But by bond
Doesn’t seem real yet
Still expect you to be there
Nagging me for that roast dinner
It wasn’t fair
You still had so much to do
Your eyes haunt me
Our conversation plays in my mind
You were a kind man
Accepting of everyone
Open and honest
Cheeky and teasing
But in a nice gentle way
You showed me not all men are the same
And I treasure that gift
As I treasure your friendship
Which you gave so freely, so unconditionally
Thankyou my friend.

Kaz

A Winter Afternoon

Close your eyes and gently drift away
Be in the moment, forget any worries away
Feel the breeze on your skin, softly kissing your face
Hear the sound of the rain, pattering patterns on the ground
Smell the air, tinted with the freshness of winter
Drift deeper into your world, blanket covering cold nose
Listen to the sounds of the world revolving, ever moving
Dog barking, busy with its own mission in life
Cars with harried drivers, always somewhere else to be
Voices in the park, playing in the joys of childhood
Listen with the joy of comfort, a continuously moving world
Feel the blanket warmly enclosing, snuggle deeper
Drift, in that glorious half asleep awareness
Tickle of wool on your nose, weight of a book gone to sleep
Cat brushing gently against your leg, curling up for a nap of its own
Forget the worries of the world, just be in the moment
Drift away on a winter’s afternoon, eyes heavy with dream.

Kazza

Run Away

Hide away little girl
Retreat into safety
Withdraw from the world
Turn your back
And don’t come out
They don’t listen
They don’t want to know
They ignore what’s important
What’s important to you
Making you unimportant to them
Making what you say unimportant
And that hurts
Retreat to where it’s safe
A world of silence
Of not talking
Of watching every word you say
A world of watching and waiting
Of putting on a façade
A face you wear in public
And the one you drop in private
Run away little girl
And come out again when it’s safe.

Kazza

Meandering

Taking a wander through my mind, words sitting in waiting
A picture flashes into my vision, a path meandering along
Sadness has settled the last two days, no real reason why
I’m learning to sit with it, just to let it be, it’s there for a reason
Unfinished business, a heaviness to it that never seems to go
It feels like it will never be finished and maybe that’s true
I know it will lift, even though its place is in the back of my mind
Betrayal is hard to forget; trust is even harder to regain
A feeling of being less than; of being easy to leave behind
Of being unimportant; it’s hard to shake those feelings
No matter how much I work on it, they remain with me
Too deeply entrenched to ever leave entirely, sitting in my soul
Not really a sad poem this, although maybe in a way
More a reflection, a lost sort of feeling, needing perhaps
Wishes, like butterfly’s floating softly on the breeze
Drifting away, somehow out of reach.

Kazza