Is it always going to be like this?
A deep down depression, just under the surface
But there, constantly there
Always ready to bring me down
Not noticeable most of the time
I can laugh, I can talk, I can forget
But when I’m by myself, it creeps up
Pouncing on me, in the middle of the night
Thoughts, images, conversations
All vying for attention, all talking at once
And I picture a little girl, overwhelmed
Wanting to escape into a fantasy world
Where reality didn’t exist, only make believe
So that she could get what she needed, wanted
But now when the adult knows what reality is
The little girl still wants to escape
And the depression sits in her soul
In the soul of the little girl who still remembers
Who is part of the adult whose pain is real
And there’s no more escape
Into a fantasy world of make believe.
Kazza
68 comments:
Honestly,
Yes I think it is.
Sorry.
Thats how I feel anyhows.
I about to post you on a meme. Its a hard one.
I'd like to think that it will eventually go away more than it does now. I certainly don't get as depressed for as long as I used to but it's the under surface stuff, that is really always there.
What's a meme?
My post is posted; check it out for your crappie task to undertake!
Okay, I'm up to the challenge Kahless!! LOL Intrigues me actually. 10 things........mmmmmmmm
I knew you'd be up to the challenge!
Dont you think our icons look rather jolly on this page?
They do, don't they. I love your icon. And mine. Told you I'd use both my icons, didn't I?
I noted that.
are you going to stick with one of them?
I like this one (paintbrush) as it expresses your creative side and you are incredibly creative.
I'm not sure - maybe I'll get you to pick a couple more for me. LOL
I never thought I could be creative up to a few years ago and then it was like a revelation!! I had encouragement too, which makes a big difference.
You can see your creativity from your poetry.
You can see your creativity from your poetry.
Yeah, I love doing my poems and it was an outlet for me that I never knew I had. Most of my poems have to be spontaneous - I can't just sit there and decide I'll write a poem. LOL
What are you up to tomorrow - anything exciting?
I've agreed to think about christmas. ie tidy up, write crimbo cards, shopping list, shopping for pressies... etc etc.
And I have just had a strong feeling that I am going to get a letter from a family member. Maybe wishful thinking as they dont know I exist.
How about you?
I've started the morning by putting a colour thru my hair and I'm getting my eyebrows done later on. Then I have to do a bit of shopping, not much tho cause the shops will be packed.
I'm spending Christmas by myself this year. I've told my family I'm not going down. It was better received than I thought it would be. My parents are supposed to be coming up next weekend but haven't let me know what day yet.
I have my day all planned out with plenty of reading material and an easy day.
What colour???
I cut and colour Mrs K's.
She has one colour ... whatever comes out lol!
and one cut.... short!
I had it cut yesterday, so it's short too. LOL A brunette colour but I'm meant to do the roots and can never quite just do them, so I do the whole lot and it ends up a bit dark. But I don't mind it dark.
Dark is cool.
My hair is dark. I once died it red cos someone thought I wouldnt have the bottle to do it. So I did it for a bet.
I'd love to really go all out and do it a nice dark red colour or something but I just haven't been game to. LOL Or a deep plum colour.
If you'd love to do it....
why dont you treat yourself for crimbo??????
I've just put a colour thru, so I'd have to wait a while. Also have to get a hairdresser to do it cause I don't want to end up with orange hair!! LOL That's happened before! My hair responds very well to red. Okay, might do that after this colour is at an end.
If you do; send us a photo.
I have a new laptop and and it has a built in webcam. Just been playing with it and I look awful!!!
I bet you don't look awful!! Kewl, the new laptop. I saw your comment that your bbbbbbbbbbb's work now. LOL Some of my writing has come off on my keyboard so luckily I know my keys well. I bet you're having a ball finding different things on your new lappy.
I was discussing with Mads earlier what I should call her... maybe Newbie.
I am hoping to see Mads one last time before she returns to you...
Yeah, she said she was hoping to catch up with you again. That would be great if you could.
The laptop called Newbie that is.
Not Madeleine!
It would be fantastic.
You reading Madeleine???????
LOL, I thought that's what you might have meant. I did have to think there for a minute tho!! LOL
Madeleine would be snoring her head off!! LOL
Check your email; I have sent you a photo from my webcam!
I just sent you a message back.
Does Madeleine snore????
this time she gonna stay at mine. The dogs are likely to snuggle up next to her unless she snores... then they might scarper!
I don't know if she snores. LOL M & K haven't put her out on the pavement, so maybe she doesn't!!
Actually Mads strikes me as the type to snore
lolol!
Now we will know if she reads this! Better bury this comment quick!!!
Nah, leave it there, I like stirring her up!! And I haven't had a chance to do that for a few months!! hehehe
Nope. I am a coward.
Dig dig dig....
So tell me, what are you cooking yourself on crimbo day?
Is that actually what you call it - crimbo day?
I'm not sure - I might get a chicken roll thingee and roast that with some veges for the evening. Lunch I'm just going to have a bit of a pick - have some cheese, biccies and stuff. Some salad.
What do you do - the traditional stuff? At least it will be cooler where you are!!
Christmas day is the one day of the year that Mrs K cooks. We go traditional.
Prawn cocktail to start.
The the full works...
Turkey, roast potatoes, chipolatas with bacon rounf them, stuffing. Gravy. Mrs K does veg. None for me.
I play playstation whilst she cooks!!!!
Tea is cold turkey sandwich.
Yummy!
Sounds yummy!! Don't you eat veges?
When it comes to food I am definitive. Cos I took the shit as a child.
I eat what I want, when I want and take no crap from anyone on the subject lol.
I dont do anything green except cucumber. Oh and sometimes leeks. Oh and raw peas (homegrown)
and the occaisional lettuce leaf!!!
LOL, good on ya!! I was dished up pumpkin, even tho I hated it and I always felt that kids have taste buds too and they don't have to like everything. Coconut is another thing that I only like on select things. I had coconut ricecream once and threw up. Yuk.
I have a few foods that I have phobias with.
I love cereal. I once 'stole' a cup of cereal as a child from the cupboard and was badly punished for it. Now, if I want cereal for tea; I damn well have it!
I hate coconut too.
Liver makes me gag.....
As does lemon....
I don't like lemon in some things. I like pate but not liver by itself or any of those other things like kidneys. Yuk. Might get myself some pate for Chrissy.
I think you should reward yourself this crimbo and have what you want, when you want.
Pate sounds....
well yuck lol!
LOL, re pate!! I don't mind it on cracker biccies.
We haven't had a good chat like this for ages. It's nice.
Yes it is nice.
I like such banter; the lighter side of life. I dont communicate enough with people. It is good for me. Lightens me up!
Yeah, it is good to have a laugh and look at the lighter side. I don't want to get too bogged down in the childhood stuff because I've seen people who have allowed their persona to become totally that. My worse times are when I'm by myself but when I'm with people I'm fine.
Did that sound right, what I just said. Don't know if it came across right.
Yes you came across right Kazza. I agree. My childhood is irrelevant for me in some ways now. As an adult I have to take responsibility for that.
My biggest issue is I get lost in my own world and start to drift away. Yet I am happy drifting away on one level. All of this is pointless on one level Kazza.
Yet I enjoy in one sense moments like this; banter.
Connection.
I think sometimes we are our own worst enemies.
Yeah, I agree totally with what you say. I tend to drift off into my own world too and that's when the other stuff intrudes. If I could stay in the here and now, I don't think it would be so bad. But that's hard to do. And I think the hurts go so deep, that it is sometimes impossible to keep them from surfacing. I had a session with my pychologist the other day and had the rest of the day crying and it's like that hurt just runs so deep it's never going to run out.
I am sorry that you have been hurting so much. Cant say I have much feeling about the past. But I cant stop dwelling on the futility of this life. Its becoming obsessive in my thoughts.
The only futility I find in life is being so alone. I find that part of my life a bit futile. At the moment I have my dog and she gives a bit more meaning for me.
Ah dogs.
Give yours a big hug from me.
Madeleine will tell you how much I adore mine. An outlet for the affection in me.
Yeah, me too. My girl is nearly 17 and had a sore leg the other day. I was going to take her to the vet but just kept an eye on her and now she's back to acting like a 2 yr old. LOL She's gorgeous and I don't know what I'd do without her.
My dogs; I love them with ALL my heart.
I will not do without them.
Yeah, I love my girl too. She's been a substitute child and someone to come home to. She's beautiful and I think she runs the household somehow. LOL
What is she getting for her crimbo meal?
Probably some chicken. I don't want to give her anything too different cause it's not good for her. What do you give your two?
MAny years ago I gave my babies the full christmas dinner. They were so ill with bloody diarrehea afters. So now they get a little turkey mixed with bland dogfood.
So no real treats for them either!
;-(
I'm the same - I'm careful with what I give her. As long as she gets fed something she's happy!! LOL
We've bought ours a squeaky ball for christmas.
Actually they get quite stressed with the change in routine.
I haven't got Misty a pressy yet. She likes soft balls now and they're hard to find.
That last comment was a bit funny if you read it the wrong way!! LOL
Oh yes!!!!
lolol if Madeleine is still paying attention!
LOL, I'll just forget I wrote that one!!
Anyways, I've got to have some lunch cause I have an appnt this afternoon. It's been good having a chat with you.
Take care and have a good sleep.
Nite Nite....
Sweet Dreams.
Have a g'day!!
Well that made amusing reading for this a.m. And no, I don't snore LOL. I often share a B&B room with M&K and they've not had any problems or complaints about me snoring. So there. cheeky pair.
Are they too nice to say anything though............!! hehehe
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