There was a comment on another blog asking why mothers always seem to get the blame for everything. It is an interesting question and I’ve asked myself that in relation to my own mother numerous times.
What do we expect of mothers? For that matter what do I expect of my mother? Did she do the best that she could when I was a child?
In my background the two male members of my family were abusers. Plus there was also a family friend who was an abuser as well. And yet the person I seem to be angriest at the most is my Mum. Why? I’ve thought about it over and over. I’ve cried about it and I’ve grieved for the lost relationship with my Mum because since I started my journey it’s that relationship which has suffered the most. For me, the person I expected the most of was my Mum. Why?
I have this longing in my mind for what I probably see as the ideal Mum. And she probably only exists in my mind. My ideal Mum is nurturing, accepting and protective. When I was growing up my Mum was anything but nurturing and she still isn’t a nurturing person. Maybe she’s accepting but I’m not sure in what way I’m meaning. What she most definitely isn’t is protective.
Am I expecting too much? I do think sometimes I am. I never had the chance to rebel against my parent’s, particularly my mum in a normal healthy way. It would have not been worth the consequences. Besides that I thought I was responsible for her feelings and couldn’t upset her in any way. Things happened in my childhood that shouldn’t have happened and mum wasn’t there. Since I have told her about a couple of things, it turns out I was right not to go to her. Denial is very strong in our family.
Am I being too hard on her and blaming her when she wasn’t the abuser? Maybe I am. But I can’t forgive my mum for not being angry on my behalf, for going into denial, for not wanting to cut off one of the abusers balls for having molested her daughter. If I had a daughter that would be my reaction. My mum has never once asked me how therapy is going, whether I’m still having therapy or how I’m going with dealing with what I’ve told her.
All through my life I have searched for a person to replace my Mum. I have yearned for the relationships I see others have and mourned for what I think I have never had. Is it wrong to blame my Mum for what she may never have been able to give? Perhaps it is. Mum was bought up in a generation where men were put first and growing up my father and brother was always first.
So am I expecting too much? It’s a question I don’t know how to answer. In an ideal world I’d have my mum who would care about what was going on with me, who would want to know, who didn’t bury her head in the sand and deny what had happened to her daughter. I would have a mother who would be nurturing and protective, who looked on her daughter as special to her. But it isn’t an ideal world.
So I don’t know why we blame mothers. Maybe it is an unreasonable expectation. Maybe we have a picture in our minds that is too high for a mother to maintain. My mum most likely did the best she could at the time. And now? I think it is too late to repair our relationship, too much hurt and too much distance. And that's sad.
Kaz
About Me
- KazzaB
- I have now finished Uni and into the next phase of my life, although I don't quite know what that's going to be yet. I live with my cat Bella, who keeps me in line!!
Misty
Chookie Girl
7 comments:
Hi KazzaB,
For what its worth I would like to put my twopenneth into the ring. Obviously I dont know your individual circumstances and cant comment. But I have two examples come to mind which you may or may not see some parallels in.
My partner was abused in her childhood by her step-father from age 5 onwards. Whilst her mother may or may not have known about the sexual abuse at the time, she sure was aware of the physical and emotional abuse. It was extreme and not hidden from her.
When my partner went through therapy, after a while a meeting was arranged with Mrs K and her parents (supervised by the therapist.) During the meeting the stepfather got to the point where he started to admit the sexual abuse and her mother shut him up.
A while later her mother severed all communication.
So whilst her step-father was a paedophile for me her mother's behaviour was recomprehensible too. She knew and did nothing. Why? Because her interests were more important than that of her child.
I think a mother should not put her interests above the safety and protection and nuturing of her own child.
Every child has a human right to be given unconditional love, attention and time. To be nutured and protected. Just because a mother doesnt perform the abuse doesnt mean she is not culpable if she knew and did nothing.
As a child Mrs K used to toilet in the corner of her bedroom as she was so scared. How can a mother not want to understand what is troubling that child to do that.
As for my own childhood, whilst my father was physically abusive, my mother doled out abuse directly herself too. So she has clear accountability in my eyes. My brother said to me "it was different in those days / it is hard to be a parent." Actually whether it was 40 years ago or 100 years ago or today, abuse is abuse.
Has the incidence of abuse / non-abuse changed over years; probably not.
I accept that my mother was probably abused and just recycled the abuse. I can feel compassion for her in that. Yet where I do draw the line is she will not face it. She just passed it on instead of trying to face the abuse of her past to better the future for her and her children. I know other bloggers who were abused but who are NOT ausing their own children. My mother refuses to accept the fact that I was abused. In her words I am an ungrateful bitch. She denies. If I am true to myself then I will listen to my inner voice and express my pain. If I say, poor woman, I was a difficult child then I think I am saying to myself that my pain wasnt real. Or it wasn't valid. Then I think it gets buried. I keep asking myself - what would I have done? that is the litmus test. I would not have invaded a childs body.
I do not strive to forgive my parents. I do not see health in forgiving them. It would be a different story if they could face me honestly and talk it through and admit the abuse. But they are not interested. So I do not see it necessary to strive to ease their pain. Their best would have been to love me. Not collectively bully me. Not to abuse my body and its functions.
Health for me I think is understanding me, accepting that I cant go back in time and learning to be the mother to me that I never had. It isnt fair, ut life is unfair. I have to get on I guess. But I refuse to give my parents sympathy or to say it was ok by forgiving them.
I agree with the school of thought of Alice Miller. Have you read any of her books or seen her website? Check out the readers mail. http://www.alice-miller.com/readersmail_en.php
Apologies for the long comment! I hope I didnt loose my point in it all. Mothers are a it of a pet topic of mine at the moment.
Thanks Kahless. I have read a couple of Alice Millars books and they're very good. I remember my mother walking in on something that looked very suspicious and not doing anything about it. I don't know if she knew or had her suspicions about what was going on.
I might comment a bit later on cause I've just got up and feel very bleary eyed this morning. LOL I have Uni this afternoon too. Hopefully I'll wake up before then.
Hi Kahless,
I think I'm a bit more awake now. LOL I've been feeling very heavy eyed and tired today.
I don't know what it is that goes on in my Mum's mind. I said something to her a while back about not respecting me and never having supported me since I had told her a few things that had happened. She didn't even reply. I think that silence said more than a dozen words would. I lost hope then that I would have any support or caring from my mother. She's putting my brother and his family before me and I think at least I know where I stand now.
As to whether she has ever been abused herself, I don't really care. And if that sounds callous, well it will have to sound that way. I would think if she had that she would understand where I'm coming from more and she doesn't.
I have a relationship of sorts with my parent's - a very superficial relationship because that's what they want. Like you, I won't forgive them because I think some things are unforgiveable. I hate people who tell me I should forgive and it's the only way to move on. I'm sure you've had people do that as well. It really makes me angry.
I'm starting to ramble so I'd better finish this off. Thankyou for sharing your story and Mrs K's story. And I agree with you about Mothers should not put their interests above the protection and safety of their children. Children are defenceless, grown men aren't.
Take Care.
I like your new avatar Kazza.
I have been thinking some more on this topic. I think kids do expect more from their mothers than their fathers. It is the natural order of things that mothers provide nuturing and protection. Thats why i think mothers can get as much or more of the 'blame.'
I agree with you Kahless. A lot more is expected of mother's because they're supposed to be the ones with the strongest bond, after all they carried the baby for nine months. It is expected that the mother will be protective and nurturing of the child but it doesn't always happen.
Kazza, I obviously don't know whether or not your mother (or mine) knew way back when, but she knows now (and so does mine). I don't blame my mother for what my father did, I blame her for what SHE did. What hse still does. She denies. Not only does she deny, but she spent my entire life trying to convince me that I was crazy and that my mind was not to be believed or trusted. And SHE'S A SHRINK! She told me that it was just my fantasy. That he would never do anything like that and I should be ashamed of myself. She made me feel ashamed and embarrassed about my fear, panic and dysfunction. She turned it into my fault. Always my fault. That is what I blame her for. I was a basket case from being abused and she made it my fault. You would not believe all the things (everything!) that have been 'my fault' since because of that poisonous training.
If you are angry at your mother, Kazza, then you just are. Your feelings are your feelings. It is painful when others try to make us ashamed and tell us that something is wrong with us for having them. No one who really loved us would do that. As a mother myself, I don't do that. That is not a way to show love.
There is one thing I comfort myself with when I get into a bind about my feelings of my mother. Like you say, I think she was also abused, only she did not face it. When I have guilt or conflicting emotions about her, I grab on to that strength in myself. I say to myself, "I can bear these emotions. I am strong enough and am facing things that no one else in my family was able to face. Some conflicting feelings are certainly no match for me." Of course, clarity and calm eventually return. Even when my feelings are conflicted like that, they are still mine. And yours are yours and you are allowed to have them no matter what anyone says.
{{{{{{{{KazzaB}}}}}}}}
You're right Lynn, I blame my Mum for the denial now and the total lack of support. That's what makes me so angry. That everyone else matters, except me. I don't think our relationship will ever be the same again. I think she knows that as well. When my sister-in-law was put before me, that was the beginning. And when she said that she would treat my Godfather as normal, after learning he molested me, that was another nail in the relationship. Too many things and too much denial at my expense. The thing is my Mum doesn't even know the full extent of what happened in my childhood. I'm still protecting her, like she has never protected me. Luckily I have a good therapist, good friends and good blogger friends. Thanks for your comment Lynn.
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