When

Where do these thoughts come from, that just invade my mind without warning
Jealousy, in its purest form, a deep down feeling that sits within my soul
A sadness that comes with it, a letting go of tears, crying for what I want
Crying for what I need, that I know is not going to be realised, crying for the child within
Not how others would see it, and very hard to explain, too deep down for words
Or maybe it’s shame, probably more the explanation, shame born of wanting something
A shame of needing something, knowing I shouldn’t need, it’s not allowed
A vision of a small child, shamed very early in her life, afraid for much of the time
There’s a longing, a yearning that reaches past all other feelings, that’s never realised
When am I going to let go of it, when am I going to realise it’s past
It can’t happen anymore and still the feeling is there, just waiting until the right moment
I never see myself as being as worthy as others, I never see myself as deserving
I see what I think is right; the thoughts are so pervasive, not as good as anyone else
I don’t know that they’ll ever go, so deeply ingrained they are, a deep feeling of sadness
I know I’m not as good, I know there is always someone else better than me
It’s a feeling inside myself, a knowing, a judgement I suppose of others reactions
What can change it, I really don’t know, there’s a small child within, who just won’t be convinced.

Kaz