I have been on one of my favourite blogs this morning and it has really got me thinking. Mainly about how well meaning people are but sometimes it doesn’t come across in the right way.
I have been through a lot in my childhood and I started acknowledging just how much about 5 years ago. I started to grow as a person then and question a lot of things in my life.
I have had a lot of lows and a lot of highs as well. It seems to be that in the society we live in that it is not okay to be down, that we need to be happy all the time. It is not okay to be angry or irritated or any feeling that isn’t acceptable to other people. And this starts from childhood. Many times I have seen a child told off for being a normal child and having feelings. Don’t be angry, don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about, boys don’t cry, why are you looking like that, cheer up – life’s not that bad………….!! I could go on and on.
I have had a lot of times when my mood has been so dark that I haven’t seen any light. The only way I have seen to solve things is to no longer be here. But something has always held me back and I have never acted on what I’ve felt. I have I think kept myself safe by telling someone I trust and knowing I could talk to them and that they’d care. Maybe that’s what has always stopped me or the fact that I really do like life, it’s just sometimes it gets too much.
My question is, is it alright for me to allow myself that space to be however I need to be or do I have to ‘conform’ to how I’m expected to be, which is to have a smile on my face even if I don’t feel like smiling?
I have always hated people feeling like they have to normalise things for me. So what if other people have been through the same thing and they don’t get down like I do. Maybe it’s just that I’m dealing with my feelings better than they are, and allowing myself to feel sad at what happened to me, what I’m mourning for or what I feel I’ll never get. Or they deal with things differently or my experience was different from theirs. One of my pet hates is the saying, “if I can do it, so can you”. I hate that with a vengeance. I am me and there are some things I can’t do and just because you can do something, doesn’t necessarily mean I can too. I don’t know whether that’s getting off track but I think it comes back too well meaning people telling me, I dealt with what happened to me in this way, so can you. I’m an individual and no, I won’t deal with it in your way, I’ll deal with it in my way. Strong words from someone who has conformed all her life and only learnt 5 years ago that she can be her own person. And I’m proud that I can say that now.
This post doesn't feel like it is quite finished but maybe I'll think on that.
KazzaB
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6 comments:
Hello, Kazza. Yes, your feelings are okay to have. I get irritated over this issue as well. You wrote: "...but I think it comes back too well meaning people telling me, I dealt with what happened to me in this way, so can you."
Sometimes that message comes from well meaning people. It can also come from people who don't really mean well. Sometimes it comes from people who, were they capable of being completely honest, would instead say: "I refused to really deal with that, and so should you. Smile, damn it. You're making me uncomfortable." Sometimes it is the people who have been through some of the same ordeals who come along and jump on us for having our genuine feelings. This can be very hurtful and stifling. Not everything should be normalized. Normalization is one of the things that keeps these atrocities happening to children.
Hi Lynn,
Yes, I think you're right in what you say. A lot of people do think that a person should just move on, what's the point in going back over the past but I feel that the past is what has shaped me today. I'm working on shaping my life to be different now and that means dealing with past issues that have stifled the person I can be. And I need to do it in my own way and in my own time. It does make other people uncomfortable and it makes me be very aware of which people I know I can be genuine with and who I can't.
KazzaB
I agree too. I am learning to have certain feelings too. I guess for me in my mind is it ok to take a step further and talk about the dark moods. Some things seem so taboo that I get frightened that people would take them the wrong way and not really understand and instead classify me as being mentally ill. I may take a step and blog that tonight. Problem is I don't think some of my blog readers would understand and I don't want to frighten them away. And I don't want platitudes either. I know my last 2 posts have been uncomfortable for some readers. I am glad it has been ok for you and Lynn.
And I am glad that you are in the place where you are now and accepting of yourself.
I sound accepting of myself Kahless but it's still a constant battle. Some things I'm starting to accept, others I still struggle with. I think really there is only a couple of people I will admit too that I feel really down and who I know are more supportive. Some people really don't understand and never will.
KazzaB
Yes, it seems some people never will understand. I guess it is their baggage.
btw, thanks for calling my blog one of your faves
:-)
You're welcome Kahless cause it is one of my faves. I have a couple I visit each morning with breakfast and yours is one.
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