Jim

Big brother
Not by blood
But by bond
Doesn’t seem real yet
Still expect you to be there
Nagging me for that roast dinner
It wasn’t fair
You still had so much to do
Your eyes haunt me
Our conversation plays in my mind
You were a kind man
Accepting of everyone
Open and honest
Cheeky and teasing
But in a nice gentle way
You showed me not all men are the same
And I treasure that gift
As I treasure your friendship
Which you gave so freely, so unconditionally
Thankyou my friend.

Kaz

A Winter Afternoon

Close your eyes and gently drift away
Be in the moment, forget any worries away
Feel the breeze on your skin, softly kissing your face
Hear the sound of the rain, pattering patterns on the ground
Smell the air, tinted with the freshness of winter
Drift deeper into your world, blanket covering cold nose
Listen to the sounds of the world revolving, ever moving
Dog barking, busy with its own mission in life
Cars with harried drivers, always somewhere else to be
Voices in the park, playing in the joys of childhood
Listen with the joy of comfort, a continuously moving world
Feel the blanket warmly enclosing, snuggle deeper
Drift, in that glorious half asleep awareness
Tickle of wool on your nose, weight of a book gone to sleep
Cat brushing gently against your leg, curling up for a nap of its own
Forget the worries of the world, just be in the moment
Drift away on a winter’s afternoon, eyes heavy with dream.

Kazza

Run Away

Hide away little girl
Retreat into safety
Withdraw from the world
Turn your back
And don’t come out
They don’t listen
They don’t want to know
They ignore what’s important
What’s important to you
Making you unimportant to them
Making what you say unimportant
And that hurts
Retreat to where it’s safe
A world of silence
Of not talking
Of watching every word you say
A world of watching and waiting
Of putting on a façade
A face you wear in public
And the one you drop in private
Run away little girl
And come out again when it’s safe.

Kazza

Meandering

Taking a wander through my mind, words sitting in waiting
A picture flashes into my vision, a path meandering along
Sadness has settled the last two days, no real reason why
I’m learning to sit with it, just to let it be, it’s there for a reason
Unfinished business, a heaviness to it that never seems to go
It feels like it will never be finished and maybe that’s true
I know it will lift, even though its place is in the back of my mind
Betrayal is hard to forget; trust is even harder to regain
A feeling of being less than; of being easy to leave behind
Of being unimportant; it’s hard to shake those feelings
No matter how much I work on it, they remain with me
Too deeply entrenched to ever leave entirely, sitting in my soul
Not really a sad poem this, although maybe in a way
More a reflection, a lost sort of feeling, needing perhaps
Wishes, like butterfly’s floating softly on the breeze
Drifting away, somehow out of reach.

Kazza

Choosing a Path

I really like the following quote by James Hollis, author of “The Eden Project: In Search of the Magical Other” and “The Middle Passage: From Misery to Meaning in Midlife”:

“I am not only what happened to me; I am also what I choose to become”.

It really stood out for me at this point in my life.

Kazza

Anxiety

I've probably posted this one before but this is how I felt towards the end of last week. And I've decided anxiety is NOT going to get the better of me. I will attack it back and I will win. I HATE being anxious, so much. It plays havoc with my life, it feels like crap and I don't want it anymore.

It can appear suddenly, clawing at my insides
With a pain that grips, like an iron claw
Or it can ache, just sitting there, gnawing away
It doesn’t matter, whatever way it starts
It hurts like nothing on earth, red and nasty
I don’t know what it’s about, most times it doesn’t let me know
It’s vague about the reason, just lets me know it’s there
Sometimes I know and maybe don’t want to acknowledge
It’s an out of control fear, a feeling deep down inside
Something that’s out of my control, that might happen
And I won’t be able to stop it, no matter how much I try
It’s a feeling of impending doom, of being lost
Of being left alone, abandoned and no good anymore
It’s a feeling of not knowing what’s next, of people who can hurt
Without even being aware that they do, it’s a child’s feeling
That comes from knowing hurt, anticipating the worse
It’s a feeling I can’t seem to stop, it bites with ferocious teeth
Sinking in and not letting go, until the fear gradually evaporates
Into thin air, like it never was, but waiting, just waiting
Until the next time, until the pain can hit again, until the feeling of doom comes again
And I can only wait and hope it stays away.

Kazza

I’m floating, in a sea of deep deep purple
A turtle swims beside me, companionably
I never seem to get anywhere, in this sea of purple
The turtle is joined by big green eyed fish, looking straight ahead to no where
We swim for a while, in silence, each contemplating their own journey
A pod of dolphins joins in, doing acrobats and entertaining with their tricks
The sea changes colour, turning into a deep dark red, and suddenly I’m alone
My stomach tightens in fear; my breath comes in shallow gasps
I’m aware of danger, but I can’t see it, it seems to be just out of my reach
I wait for the danger to strike, my stomach in never ending knots, tightening to excruciating pain
When nothing happens, the tightness lessens, my breath starts to become even
But still the fear sits in my belly, some terror within me that just remains out of my awareness
Then suddenly, it passes, the knots lessen, the terror goes away
And I’m swimming again, sometimes getting somewhere, sometimes not
In a deep deep sea of purple, or maybe pink, sometimes blue
Sometimes alone, sometimes with companions, always with something that remains within the deep recesses of my mind
Just out of reach.

Kazza