Irritations

I have been so grumpy lately and I think it is because the university year is drawing to an end, with only one week to go. The weather has also been really humid and everything is an effort. Today the weather has broken and it is raining outside but it’s still not really cool. Everything has been irritating me, especially people who are condescending. I can’t stand that. The worst is when you say something and they come back with a trite comment. Yesterday I was saying how I am so sick of cleaning up chook poo from my decking, to me a real irritation at the moment. And someone came back with “well if that’s all you have to complain about…..” Red rag to a bull that one.

Everyone has their irritations and it is a put down to minimize what someone else might be feeling at the time. Okay, maybe I haven’t got as many worries as someone else but for me that is an irritation and just an acknowledgement would have been fine. I’m tired because it is the end of the school year and I still have three things to hand in within the next week. It is an effort to get them done because all I want to do is finish and I really can’t be bothered pushing myself to get those last things done.

I think changes this semester have meant an adjustment for me and the group I hang around with has gone from 6 to 3. I don’t think 3 is a good number for a group. The two women I hang around with have some things in common that I don’t have with them. They are both going through something that I’m not and it has bonded them. One of them housesat for the other. So sometimes I feel like the odd one out. I’m very conscious that sometimes they’ll be having a conversation and talking to each other, rather than including me. It really bothered me at the beginning of semester but now I watch when they do that and don’t let it bother me as much. But I do hate it and as semester is drawing to a close, it is starting to irritate me again. I think next year, things will change further, as we do our placements. It is also going to be a heavy year I think. So it will be interesting to see what happens.

So I am just going to knuckle down this weekend and get as much done as I can to hand in next week and take the pressure off. Just one week, then one weeks study and my exam and then I can forget about uni for a while. I can’t wait.

Kazza

Grumpy
Sounds going right through my head
Irritable
Hot, muggy and uncomfortable
Tired eyes
Gritty from early morning rise
Thoughts
Of things I don’t want to think about
Intrusive
They come into my mind anyway
Sleep
Just wanting to curl up and dream a dreamless sleep







Kazza

A Question of Change

An interesting question has come up – have I changed in the last few years and if so, have I addressed my vulnerabilities? If so, by how much?

I have changed in a lot of ways in the last few years and yet I haven’t. Sounds confused or confusing, doesn’t it. I have done things I never thought I could – like stand up in front of a class full of people and give a presentation. I have started University and made a new group of friends, which has given me a different experience to when I was at school and always felt like I didn’t fit. I have stood up to my brother and my parents. I have told them I’m not going down for Christmas.

Have I addressed my vulnerabilities? Yes and no, once again. I made a decision to tell my parents things now that I’m not sure I should have. Only because it has been me that has been hurt and the hurt goes really deep. I don’t think I have addressed the hurt enough to be able to move on yet and that’s one way I probably haven’t changed. I am hanging onto that hurt and I can’t let it go. I’m not sure what it will take to be able to let it go. I have a funny feeling inside almost of detachment when I think of my parents. But I know it isn’t detachment because the hurt is still there. My vulnerable spot is most probably needing my Mum to validate what happened when I was a child and to take an interest in me. But she doesn’t do that and the one time she asked how I was going with therapy, it was forced. Her concern when I mentioned something to do with my brother was for my sister-in-law. So I know it is dropping my expectations of what I want from her but there is a little girl inside who just can’t come to terms with her treatment.

I think I have outwardly changed in so many ways and most probably if I am game enough to admit it, I have also changed to please other people. And that's not a bad thing because doing that has bought change that has been good for me. But outwardly I show to the world that I’m doing all these things and inwardly I’m finding it so hard to get past what happened in my childhood. I am so angry and I’m afraid of that anger. I’m afraid of what that anger might do because one day I think things are going to come out that are going to break that connection with my family, as tenuous as it is right now. I’m tired of secrets, I’m tired of being the one who has to keep her mouth shut for fear of the repercussions. I feel very alone sometimes, like I can’t talk to anyone about how it really feels. I haven’t let down my guard enough with anyone I don’t think to be really honest about how I feel. I feel like I should be letting things go but I can’t. I don’t want to admit how fucked up I feel inside because I still think I won’t get what I really need. And I still don’t know what it is I really need and what it will take for that hurt to go. But maybe I do know and I’m never going to get what I want and that makes me lose all hope. It feels like it is too late.

So coming back to the original question, have I changed in the last few years? Yes, I have. No, I haven’t. The thoughts going around in my head tell me that there is still a little girl inside who hasn’t and won’t move on. She’s bewildered, scared, hurt, angry and she just can’t comprehend what’s happened to her. She hides, she pleases others, she smiles outwardly and she cries inwardly. She craves what she can’t have and that makes her envious of what she thinks others get and she doesn’t. She’s insecure and she’s vulnerable. Sometimes she thinks life isn’t worth living but she hangs in there.

On the other hand, outwardly the adult me is aware of becoming more interested in her appearance and more interested in looking nice. She wants to do things that once she would have run a mile from. She’s eating more healthy food and becoming aware that things said to her as a child were said from spite and hatred. And she is starting to believe her own voice now and not his. And others voices as well. She’s not cynical, although she still has a jaded view of men but that’s becoming better. She has grown in so many ways, at least outwardly. Inwardly, she's not so sure.

Kaz

what?

What do I need right now?
Honesty
Tears
Hugs
Honesty with myself
With others
My truth, regardless
Tears
Letting go of the control
Admitting my hurt
Crying buckets of tears
Hugs
Arms wrapped around me
Holding tight
Comforting and comfortable
What do I need right now?
Faith
Truth
An axe
Faith
Faith in myself
In others
That everything will be alright
Truth
No secrets anymore
An axe
To break down the walls
Within myself
To break free of the restraints
What do I want?
Hope
For the future
For me.

Kaz

Uphill

So many thoughts going through my mind
A mind that just doesn’t let go
Understanding but not taking it in
Maybe a resistant child still inside
A belief system that was squashed
Shattered beyond being able to comprehend
What will it take to accept what is unchangeable?
How can I soothe those constant thoughts?
Sometimes the hills start to get steep again
No matter how much I want them to be flat
An up hill battle that never seems to end
An aloneness that leaves me walking in quicksand
A picture in my mind of walls around me
Thick impenetrable walls that no one can see are there
I know I’ve changed in a lot of ways
But sometimes I know it’s all a façade
Because inside I don’t feel I’ve changed at all
There’s a little girl inside me
That still struggles to take it all in
Yes there are changes on the outside
But there are still patches all over the inside
Sometimes they come off and the sore is open again
And the struggle for understanding begins once more
In a mind that wants to comprehend
And wants to accept and let it all go
But it’s a mind that cries tears on the inside
And fears it will never end.

Kaz

Reaching for the Sky

Bare branches, reaching for the sky
Potential within the buds, hidden within
Little green nubs, ready to sprout when the time is right
But for now, no one would know they existed
Hidden within bare branches
Reaching for the sky.

Bare branches, shivering in the breeze
Spindly, pathetic, nothing to inspire poetry
But a hidden beauty, waiting to sprout
Bare branches, outlined against a blue sky
Stark, defenseless against the elements
Hidden depths that no one knows.

Bare branches, waiting for spring to arrive
Anticipation in every little branch, every bud
A long winter passed, it’s stood forlorn, waiting
Its hidden depths waiting to be revealed, patiently
Standing the test of endurance, at long last free
Such a long time coming, finally bursting forward.

Bare branches, with a hint of green
Bees poking around, blossoms starting to show
Birds flitting between bare branches, waiting
Standing stately, standing with pride
Bare branches, reaching for the sky.



Kaz

Mini Fair

This is for Madeleine who wanted me to take photos at our Mini Fair, which is on every October. I didn't take many photos because it hasn't changed much from last year.








The last photo is of Jo's library. There is so much work in there.

Kazza