So many thoughts going through my mind
A mind that just doesn’t let go
Understanding but not taking it in
Maybe a resistant child still inside
A belief system that was squashed
Shattered beyond being able to comprehend
What will it take to accept what is unchangeable?
How can I soothe those constant thoughts?
Sometimes the hills start to get steep again
No matter how much I want them to be flat
An up hill battle that never seems to end
An aloneness that leaves me walking in quicksand
A picture in my mind of walls around me
Thick impenetrable walls that no one can see are there
I know I’ve changed in a lot of ways
But sometimes I know it’s all a façade
Because inside I don’t feel I’ve changed at all
There’s a little girl inside me
That still struggles to take it all in
Yes there are changes on the outside
But there are still patches all over the inside
Sometimes they come off and the sore is open again
And the struggle for understanding begins once more
In a mind that wants to comprehend
And wants to accept and let it all go
But it’s a mind that cries tears on the inside
And fears it will never end.
Kaz
6 comments:
Kaz,
this post really hit the spot for me in that I so associate with what you are saying right now. I can write it myself as no words are flowing. But you have written them so eloquently.
I really understand.
And it is so confusing isnt it.
Is it as good as it gets?
Are we capable of change?
Or do we have to accept ourselves as defects?
{{{{Kaz}}}}
I meant to say cant, instead of can above lol!
Oh and the comment as defect was in terms of mental defects. And no assignation meant in your direction my friend. Rather I wonder myself if things are so unchangeable, is it a question of accepting that I am mentally defect?
I think sometimes I am capable of change on the outside Kahless but the scars sometimes feel like they're just too deep to ever let go of on the inside. I think the hurt of the last couple of years when I've told people who should be supportive and haven't been, has been on a level with the actual abuse. And I find it very hard to let go of that hurt.
I don't know sometimes how acceptance will happen. I don't think it ever will really. I just think there is a little girl inside who is shattered and putting her back together is like gluing a shattered vase. Get one piece glued in and another bit falls out.
I'm just getting ready to go to uni. Only a couple of more weeks thankfully!! It's starting to be an effort. Especially getting up this early in the morning to catch the train.
Anyway, you take care chickie and I'm sending big hugs back, (((((((Kahless))))))
I understand Kaz.
I hope you have an extra great day today at Uni, and someone, somewhere - even a stranger - surprises you with a random act of kindness!!!!
Thanks Kahless, that would be lovely!! You have a good nights sleep - nite nite.
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