Why

I’m going through a stage of “is there any good in the world”. I know there is but it makes me wonder sometimes at what people can do to each other. I was listening to someone today saying about eating at a restaurant. She was describing a man as looking like a big green frog with rolls of fat who was eating at the same restaurant. He was wearing a green shirt, which was how the comparison with the frog came about. Now, didn’t that man have every right to eat at the restaurant without being laughed at? Even if it wasn’t obvious laughing in front of him, why does this person have to be mentioned in conversation as an object of ridicule? I’m overweight so when I go out to eat, am I going to be the object of someone’s conversation?

I just don’t think people think before they say things. They don’t look at the people around them and wonder if it will offend anyone. Why does there have to be people in the world who will belittle others and make their life as hard as they can? Why does there have to be people who won’t accept others for how they are? They have to try and squash that person down because for some reason they just can’t let other people be. I know there are always going to be bullies in the world but I fail to understand them.

I was looking at a picture of a poor little dog that was in an advertisement for an animal welfare organization. It just tugged at my heartstrings that anyone could pick on something so defenceless. The dog in this ad just looks as if it is thinking, what have I done wrong? It struck me that the world is sometimes a really shitty place. People are so judgemental of others instead of just letting people get on with their lives. They don’t stop to think of the person behind the judgement.

I know there are good people out there. I know there are. It’s just been a shit of a week and I’m left shaking my head at what some people can do to others. For no reason that makes sense.

Kaz

Change

Change is inevitable and things happen,
Relationships change, growing or ending
Forever in a state of flux, never stagnant
What may be in one day, changes in another
Like moods, that take you by surprise
One day happy, next day maybe sad
Change is like that, inevitable over time
Constant and necessary, turning over in a spin
Dizzying perhaps, conflicting emotions
Draining in tiredness, ready to just sit quietly
And contemplate……………….

Kaz

Trust

I’ve had this subject going around in my mind for a couple of weeks. Trust. How do you trust when trust hasn’t been a part of your experience of life? I haven’t even had self-trust, let alone trusting other people. How do you trust when the people who you would think you could trust in your childhood have let you down, not lightly, but to a point where if you can’t trust them, who can you trust?

Trust is something that is a very basic instinct in most of us. Some definitions of trust are:

Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.

To have or place confidence in; depend on.

To be confident; hope.

To expect with assurance; assume: I trust that you will be on time.

To believe: I trust what you say.

To have or place reliance; depend.

So as a child you place your trust in your caregivers, that they will protect you and that you can rely on them. What if that trust is abused? It becomes a lifelong battle to regain a sense of trust in other people. And in yourself. I try so hard to trust other people but somewhere inside this little voice, maybe the inner child, is saying to me “The only person you can depend on is yourself”, “You must be in control” and “Don’t trust because they will only let you down”.

There are people I have gained a trust in more than others but even then it is a battle. I am gaining a bit more trust in myself though. I came from a background where I wasn’t allowed to make a decision. Every decision had to go through my Dad and it would take me days to get up the confidence to ask him if I could do something. So when I reached adulthood I questioned every decision I made. I had no self-trust whatsoever. It didn’t make for a very good working life because I worried myself sick about decisions I made and even worried most times about actually going to work. As a nurse I restricted myself when I could have worked in a lot better environment than the one I chose.

So how does something that, from a small child has been missing, be regained? Do I trust anybody? There are people I trust more than others. I honestly don’t know how to regain that basic instinct to trust people that comes from a secure childhood or that hasn’t been abused. I know it is probably repetitiveness, learning to trust someone who has never let me down. And I try hard not to let that little voice inside take over but it is really an ongoing process. It is so deep within and has been such a part of me. I think right from the moment I was born I didn’t trust, so maybe it is saying, okay, I will never be a trusting person but if I learn to trust myself and my intuition, maybe that will be enough. It’s okay to just be me and accept that part of me that will never be able to totally trust people.

Kaz

Garden Shed Number Two

Dark and dingy, doors closed, soon to be thrown open
Cobwebs hanging from the ceiling, spiders scuttling
Running for a dark place, away from the light
Venture a little bit inside, that’s if you’re game
Brush away the cobwebs, avoid the cockroaches running around
Pull aside the dust covers; be curious for what’s underneath
Treasures in the corner, things stored long ago
Not a garden shed, so much more than that
Storage for memories, snug in their cocoons
Toys, from kids long grown up, a doll with a vacant face
A spinning top, a toy from an era gone, drunkenly lopsided
Garden tools, for a garden long overgrown with weeds
A squeak, as a mouse runs over your feet, don’t be afraid
It’s headed for it’s hiding place, way out of your reach
As you venture further inside, the door slowly closes behind
Now you’re in darkness and your heart beats fast, gasping air
You can’t see your hand in front of your face, total blackness
Something brushes your hand and you stifle a scream
Goosebumps appear on your skin, and you shiver in the dark
As your eyes adjust to the darkness, afraid almost to blink
A shadow appears in front of you and out comes a bloodcurdling shriek
Light, bright and glaring, the laugh of so called friends
As you’re led shaking and stuttering out of the garden shed
Sent on a treasure hunt, the map still clasped in your hand
Whose idea was this, a birthday treat they’d said
A treasure hunt, exploring haunted old sheds, an adventure
But the laughs on them, as they head away from the dark
As a haunting voice follows them down the track, cackling in its glee
You’ll be back, just wait, you’ll be back……………………….



Kaz

Flirty Chook

Roses was asking about Chooky girl, so I thought I’d give you an update on my chook with the personality plus. In case you haven’t read the previous posts, chooky girl was a battery hen and I bought her, along with another chook, about 8 months ago now. Sadly the other chook died but chooky girl is still going strong.

At the moment she isn’t laying eggs but she was giving me an egg a day at one stage, so she’s a good layer. Then she went down to one every two days and now she’s not laying at all. I think it is too cold now and she is moulting as well. My next-door neighbours chooks aren’t laying either so that reassures me.

Actually I think chooky girl is in love with the rooster next door. Handsome looking fellow he is too. She’s taken to standing against the fence and flirting with him. As for handsome fellow, he starts cockadoodledooing to get her attention.

I don’t think she realises that she’s a bit of a cradle snatcher. Handsome fellow is only just learning to cockadoodledoo and it sounds like an adolescent rooster whose voice is breaking!! A really weird sound, I can tell you that!! So my chooky girl must have at least twelve months on him. I suppose that’s not too bad but he is only a young lad.

I’m almost thinking of asking my next-door neighbour if I can put them together. I might get a batch of little chickens then!! He’s a very handsome black colour and a very nice looking fellow so they’d have lovely looking chicks together. Maybe a cross between her brown colour and his black colour. I’ll keep you posted on what happens.



Kaz

The Old Garden Shed

Enola mentioned in her comment about having a basement at her place. In Australia we have “the shed”, rather than basements or attics. The Aussie shed is usually used to store garden utensils and anything to do with outside. Like the lawnmower is usually in there, rakes, shovels, fertiliser and all that sort of stuff. Some people use their sheds to store other things as well they don’t need to use for a while – a bit like the basement or attic.

I have a real phobia about the garden shed. We have a lot of spiders and creepy crawlies in Australia and the garden shed is one of the places they like the most!! Or in my mind they like it the most. It’s nice and dark because it doesn’t get opened regularly and spiders just love it!! I’ve lived in places where I’ve stored things in the shed and never gone in there again!! Even when I’ve moved, someone else has had to go in there. You can get insect bombs that you set off and leave for a while and they’re supposed to get rid of spiders and things in your shed. Do I trust them though??? NOPE!! Still won’t go in there.

I have an old wardrobe on my back decking. It hasn’t got much in there – I think my old barbeque and a couple of other things. I’ve moved here, put them in there, with great trepidation and never opened it again. To me it’s the same as the garden shed – it’s been closed up and is nice and dark, so creepies are really going to like it. And it is outside. I won’t store more things in there because I won’t open it to clean it out!!

Would I go into something like an attic or a basement because it’s inside? Probably not. It’s still a dark place that might have lotsa creepies that have decided to make it their home. Everything has to be open and light for me. I have to be able to see things clearly. What’s that song – I can see clearly now, the rain has gone, I can see all obstacles in my way. In this case I can see anything that is likely to bite, jump or crawl towards me!!



Kaz

Operation Tidy Up!!

I’ve had a really good throw out today and I’m feeling quite pleased with myself. I’m not really a hoarder. I’m actually very good at throwing stuff out. But all this stuff was from a filing cabinet and I’d got a bit lax after a while and just chucked papers in there willy nilly. The top cabinet of the filing cabinet had got stuck and I’d pulled all the files out. They were all over the floor of my spare room.

So this morning I thought, okay, I’ve got to get motivated and the first thing I need to tackle is the stuff from the filing cabinet. Well, I am about three quarters of the way through sorting out all the papers and I’ve thrown so much paper out. A lot of it was old bills, mainly from 2005, not that far back I suppose. But it was mainly papers that I’d saved from doing courses and from when I was studying before. There was interesting stuff in there too, that I’d forgotten about.

I feel like I’ve got the tidy up, change things and have a good clean bug at the moment. I’ve really let things go because I get busy with my Uni work and because I was feeling low on energy for a while, which I discovered was because a dosage of medication I’m on was too low. So now I feel like I’ve recovered some of my energy and I’m looking at my place, thinking now what can I do. I’m not one of those people whose house has to look like a showpiece all the time – I like my house to be comfortable and lived in.

So starting tomorrow its operation tidy up and clean the house time. A friend said to me recently, how do you keep your floorboards so shiny and I said it’s probably cause I don’t wash them!! Or not often anyway. So maybe it is time to give the house a good winter clean, as opposed to spring clean. Gotta do it when the mood is right otherwise it could be any season and it still won’t get done!!



Kaz