Where do these thoughts come from, that just invade my mind without warning
Jealousy, in its purest form, a deep down feeling that sits within my soul
A sadness that comes with it, a letting go of tears, crying for what I want
Crying for what I need, that I know is not going to be realised, crying for the child within
Not how others would see it, and very hard to explain, too deep down for words
Or maybe it’s shame, probably more the explanation, shame born of wanting something
A shame of needing something, knowing I shouldn’t need, it’s not allowed
A vision of a small child, shamed very early in her life, afraid for much of the time
There’s a longing, a yearning that reaches past all other feelings, that’s never realised
When am I going to let go of it, when am I going to realise it’s past
It can’t happen anymore and still the feeling is there, just waiting until the right moment
I never see myself as being as worthy as others, I never see myself as deserving
I see what I think is right; the thoughts are so pervasive, not as good as anyone else
I don’t know that they’ll ever go, so deeply ingrained they are, a deep feeling of sadness
I know I’m not as good, I know there is always someone else better than me
It’s a feeling inside myself, a knowing, a judgement I suppose of others reactions
What can change it, I really don’t know, there’s a small child within, who just won’t be convinced.
Kaz
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
Mum
There was a comment on another blog asking why mothers always seem to get the blame for everything. It is an interesting question and I’ve asked myself that in relation to my own mother numerous times.
What do we expect of mothers? For that matter what do I expect of my mother? Did she do the best that she could when I was a child?
In my background the two male members of my family were abusers. Plus there was also a family friend who was an abuser as well. And yet the person I seem to be angriest at the most is my Mum. Why? I’ve thought about it over and over. I’ve cried about it and I’ve grieved for the lost relationship with my Mum because since I started my journey it’s that relationship which has suffered the most. For me, the person I expected the most of was my Mum. Why?
I have this longing in my mind for what I probably see as the ideal Mum. And she probably only exists in my mind. My ideal Mum is nurturing, accepting and protective. When I was growing up my Mum was anything but nurturing and she still isn’t a nurturing person. Maybe she’s accepting but I’m not sure in what way I’m meaning. What she most definitely isn’t is protective.
Am I expecting too much? I do think sometimes I am. I never had the chance to rebel against my parent’s, particularly my mum in a normal healthy way. It would have not been worth the consequences. Besides that I thought I was responsible for her feelings and couldn’t upset her in any way. Things happened in my childhood that shouldn’t have happened and mum wasn’t there. Since I have told her about a couple of things, it turns out I was right not to go to her. Denial is very strong in our family.
Am I being too hard on her and blaming her when she wasn’t the abuser? Maybe I am. But I can’t forgive my mum for not being angry on my behalf, for going into denial, for not wanting to cut off one of the abusers balls for having molested her daughter. If I had a daughter that would be my reaction. My mum has never once asked me how therapy is going, whether I’m still having therapy or how I’m going with dealing with what I’ve told her.
All through my life I have searched for a person to replace my Mum. I have yearned for the relationships I see others have and mourned for what I think I have never had. Is it wrong to blame my Mum for what she may never have been able to give? Perhaps it is. Mum was bought up in a generation where men were put first and growing up my father and brother was always first.
So am I expecting too much? It’s a question I don’t know how to answer. In an ideal world I’d have my mum who would care about what was going on with me, who would want to know, who didn’t bury her head in the sand and deny what had happened to her daughter. I would have a mother who would be nurturing and protective, who looked on her daughter as special to her. But it isn’t an ideal world.
So I don’t know why we blame mothers. Maybe it is an unreasonable expectation. Maybe we have a picture in our minds that is too high for a mother to maintain. My mum most likely did the best she could at the time. And now? I think it is too late to repair our relationship, too much hurt and too much distance. And that's sad.
Kaz
What do we expect of mothers? For that matter what do I expect of my mother? Did she do the best that she could when I was a child?
In my background the two male members of my family were abusers. Plus there was also a family friend who was an abuser as well. And yet the person I seem to be angriest at the most is my Mum. Why? I’ve thought about it over and over. I’ve cried about it and I’ve grieved for the lost relationship with my Mum because since I started my journey it’s that relationship which has suffered the most. For me, the person I expected the most of was my Mum. Why?
I have this longing in my mind for what I probably see as the ideal Mum. And she probably only exists in my mind. My ideal Mum is nurturing, accepting and protective. When I was growing up my Mum was anything but nurturing and she still isn’t a nurturing person. Maybe she’s accepting but I’m not sure in what way I’m meaning. What she most definitely isn’t is protective.
Am I expecting too much? I do think sometimes I am. I never had the chance to rebel against my parent’s, particularly my mum in a normal healthy way. It would have not been worth the consequences. Besides that I thought I was responsible for her feelings and couldn’t upset her in any way. Things happened in my childhood that shouldn’t have happened and mum wasn’t there. Since I have told her about a couple of things, it turns out I was right not to go to her. Denial is very strong in our family.
Am I being too hard on her and blaming her when she wasn’t the abuser? Maybe I am. But I can’t forgive my mum for not being angry on my behalf, for going into denial, for not wanting to cut off one of the abusers balls for having molested her daughter. If I had a daughter that would be my reaction. My mum has never once asked me how therapy is going, whether I’m still having therapy or how I’m going with dealing with what I’ve told her.
All through my life I have searched for a person to replace my Mum. I have yearned for the relationships I see others have and mourned for what I think I have never had. Is it wrong to blame my Mum for what she may never have been able to give? Perhaps it is. Mum was bought up in a generation where men were put first and growing up my father and brother was always first.
So am I expecting too much? It’s a question I don’t know how to answer. In an ideal world I’d have my mum who would care about what was going on with me, who would want to know, who didn’t bury her head in the sand and deny what had happened to her daughter. I would have a mother who would be nurturing and protective, who looked on her daughter as special to her. But it isn’t an ideal world.
So I don’t know why we blame mothers. Maybe it is an unreasonable expectation. Maybe we have a picture in our minds that is too high for a mother to maintain. My mum most likely did the best she could at the time. And now? I think it is too late to repair our relationship, too much hurt and too much distance. And that's sad.
Kaz
Sunday, May 11, 2008
Regrets?
A friend asked me today if I regretted not being a mother. I would have to answer that yes I do have a lot of regrets about not being a mother and I find lately that I have really been thinking a lot about it. The reason I’ve been thinking about it is because I know it is really too late now. I’m only 45 and I know woman have babies at my age but I know that I won’t.
When I was in my late twenties I really wanted to have a baby, more than anything. Unfortunately it didn’t happen or maybe fortunately, I don’t know. I say fortunately because at that time of my life I don’t think I would have made a good mother. I had too much baggage and unresolved issues and I don’t think I would have made a good mother. I didn’t and still don’t know how to respond to children – I think sometimes they’re almost like little alien beings!! I love babies though.
I really regret never having experienced carrying a baby and even the whole birth thing. I can’t relate to woman who have had children, simply because I haven’t experienced it myself. I can’t relate to how it must feel to have a child who is reliant on you for everything. I can’t relate to guiding that child through life, loving another human being in that way that most mothers love their children. And yes I feel like I have missed out on that.
I think I would make a lot better parent now than I would have in my twenties. Now I understand how my own upbringing would have influenced me in how I responded to a child. I wonder if I would have gone the other way and been too soft or whether I would have been harsh because that’s how I was bought up. I looked after my niece and nephew when they were little and I was so hard on them. I think now when I look back I was just so scared because they weren’t my children and I didn’t want anything to happen to them. I did love those children very much and it was such a huge responsibility being in charge of them. But I also responded how my father would have because that’s the way I was bought up.
I can’t change that I haven’t experienced pregnancy or had a child of my own. And now at this age I feel it is too late. That’s a regret I will need to come to terms with. At least I have had my "fur child" for the last sixteen years and she's been a special part of my life.
KazzaB
When I was in my late twenties I really wanted to have a baby, more than anything. Unfortunately it didn’t happen or maybe fortunately, I don’t know. I say fortunately because at that time of my life I don’t think I would have made a good mother. I had too much baggage and unresolved issues and I don’t think I would have made a good mother. I didn’t and still don’t know how to respond to children – I think sometimes they’re almost like little alien beings!! I love babies though.
I really regret never having experienced carrying a baby and even the whole birth thing. I can’t relate to woman who have had children, simply because I haven’t experienced it myself. I can’t relate to how it must feel to have a child who is reliant on you for everything. I can’t relate to guiding that child through life, loving another human being in that way that most mothers love their children. And yes I feel like I have missed out on that.
I think I would make a lot better parent now than I would have in my twenties. Now I understand how my own upbringing would have influenced me in how I responded to a child. I wonder if I would have gone the other way and been too soft or whether I would have been harsh because that’s how I was bought up. I looked after my niece and nephew when they were little and I was so hard on them. I think now when I look back I was just so scared because they weren’t my children and I didn’t want anything to happen to them. I did love those children very much and it was such a huge responsibility being in charge of them. But I also responded how my father would have because that’s the way I was bought up.
I can’t change that I haven’t experienced pregnancy or had a child of my own. And now at this age I feel it is too late. That’s a regret I will need to come to terms with. At least I have had my "fur child" for the last sixteen years and she's been a special part of my life.
KazzaB
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Three Faces of Beauty
Three faces of beauty, one young, one older, one old
Three faces all the same, within each other
Three people blending in to one body, one person
The little girl, young, innocent and carefree
Not imagining life yet, untouched by cares or worries
Beautiful fresh unlined face, sparkling eyes, laughter
Twirling, happy, emotions still on the surface
Older now, looking to life, opportunities ahead
The world is her oyster, life to be savoured, experienced
Emotions a bit more hidden, maturity vying with youthfulness
Love’s around the corner, maybe travel, babies perhaps
Or perhaps a career, choices to be made
Lots of time to decide, life seems to be gliding by
Older now, face is lined, experience shows on her face
Choices have been made, life has been lived
But within the older woman, a younger one still lives
With age being but a number, life not lived by years
And within the younger woman, within the older woman
Lives a young girl, with laughter glinting in her eyes
Cheekiness peeping under grey eyebrows, sparkling
Age no barrier to the little girl inside,
Three ages of beauty, within the same person,
One young, one older and one with life still for living
Kaz
Monday, May 5, 2008
Within Me
There’s a dark cloud, which hangs over my head
A flatness, a darkness, a bleakness
Something I can’t even describe
I can be anything you want, I can smile, be happy
But inside I’m breaking up, there’s sadness
A sadness that sits within my very being
I can look normal, I can laugh, I can act
Why do I feel so much less sometimes than others
What is it within me that leaves me so flat
I can ask questions, I can wonder, I can think
But I can’t make the sadness go away
Kaz
A flatness, a darkness, a bleakness
Something I can’t even describe
I can be anything you want, I can smile, be happy
But inside I’m breaking up, there’s sadness
A sadness that sits within my very being
I can look normal, I can laugh, I can act
Why do I feel so much less sometimes than others
What is it within me that leaves me so flat
I can ask questions, I can wonder, I can think
But I can’t make the sadness go away
Kaz
Saturday, May 3, 2008
A Daydream?
I walked a golden path
Strewn with bright red leaves
They crunched underfoot
Like lots of shattered glass
I felt a calmness within me
A total sense of peace
The child within was free
She’d awoken from her sleep
A curiosity was within
An awareness of the world
And I listened intently
As a bird sang nearby
And the breeze gently blew
A small whisper on my face
I continued to walk
Stopping often to look
Something would catch my eye
And the child would reach out
This was something new
This sense of being free
A childhood that was so restricted
Was suddenly presented afresh
Look what could have been
The curiosity of a child
When everything in the world is so new
And the colours look so bright
Like paint splashed upon the earth
I took a deep breath
And my daydream melted away
But I know I’ll visit my special spot
When my child wants to come out and play.
Kaz
Strewn with bright red leaves
They crunched underfoot
Like lots of shattered glass
I felt a calmness within me
A total sense of peace
The child within was free
She’d awoken from her sleep
A curiosity was within
An awareness of the world
And I listened intently
As a bird sang nearby
And the breeze gently blew
A small whisper on my face
I continued to walk
Stopping often to look
Something would catch my eye
And the child would reach out
This was something new
This sense of being free
A childhood that was so restricted
Was suddenly presented afresh
Look what could have been
The curiosity of a child
When everything in the world is so new
And the colours look so bright
Like paint splashed upon the earth
I took a deep breath
And my daydream melted away
But I know I’ll visit my special spot
When my child wants to come out and play.
Kaz
Friday, May 2, 2008
Are feelings okay?
I have been on one of my favourite blogs this morning and it has really got me thinking. Mainly about how well meaning people are but sometimes it doesn’t come across in the right way.
I have been through a lot in my childhood and I started acknowledging just how much about 5 years ago. I started to grow as a person then and question a lot of things in my life.
I have had a lot of lows and a lot of highs as well. It seems to be that in the society we live in that it is not okay to be down, that we need to be happy all the time. It is not okay to be angry or irritated or any feeling that isn’t acceptable to other people. And this starts from childhood. Many times I have seen a child told off for being a normal child and having feelings. Don’t be angry, don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about, boys don’t cry, why are you looking like that, cheer up – life’s not that bad………….!! I could go on and on.
I have had a lot of times when my mood has been so dark that I haven’t seen any light. The only way I have seen to solve things is to no longer be here. But something has always held me back and I have never acted on what I’ve felt. I have I think kept myself safe by telling someone I trust and knowing I could talk to them and that they’d care. Maybe that’s what has always stopped me or the fact that I really do like life, it’s just sometimes it gets too much.
My question is, is it alright for me to allow myself that space to be however I need to be or do I have to ‘conform’ to how I’m expected to be, which is to have a smile on my face even if I don’t feel like smiling?
I have always hated people feeling like they have to normalise things for me. So what if other people have been through the same thing and they don’t get down like I do. Maybe it’s just that I’m dealing with my feelings better than they are, and allowing myself to feel sad at what happened to me, what I’m mourning for or what I feel I’ll never get. Or they deal with things differently or my experience was different from theirs. One of my pet hates is the saying, “if I can do it, so can you”. I hate that with a vengeance. I am me and there are some things I can’t do and just because you can do something, doesn’t necessarily mean I can too. I don’t know whether that’s getting off track but I think it comes back too well meaning people telling me, I dealt with what happened to me in this way, so can you. I’m an individual and no, I won’t deal with it in your way, I’ll deal with it in my way. Strong words from someone who has conformed all her life and only learnt 5 years ago that she can be her own person. And I’m proud that I can say that now.
This post doesn't feel like it is quite finished but maybe I'll think on that.
KazzaB
I have been through a lot in my childhood and I started acknowledging just how much about 5 years ago. I started to grow as a person then and question a lot of things in my life.
I have had a lot of lows and a lot of highs as well. It seems to be that in the society we live in that it is not okay to be down, that we need to be happy all the time. It is not okay to be angry or irritated or any feeling that isn’t acceptable to other people. And this starts from childhood. Many times I have seen a child told off for being a normal child and having feelings. Don’t be angry, don’t cry or I’ll give you something to cry about, boys don’t cry, why are you looking like that, cheer up – life’s not that bad………….!! I could go on and on.
I have had a lot of times when my mood has been so dark that I haven’t seen any light. The only way I have seen to solve things is to no longer be here. But something has always held me back and I have never acted on what I’ve felt. I have I think kept myself safe by telling someone I trust and knowing I could talk to them and that they’d care. Maybe that’s what has always stopped me or the fact that I really do like life, it’s just sometimes it gets too much.
My question is, is it alright for me to allow myself that space to be however I need to be or do I have to ‘conform’ to how I’m expected to be, which is to have a smile on my face even if I don’t feel like smiling?
I have always hated people feeling like they have to normalise things for me. So what if other people have been through the same thing and they don’t get down like I do. Maybe it’s just that I’m dealing with my feelings better than they are, and allowing myself to feel sad at what happened to me, what I’m mourning for or what I feel I’ll never get. Or they deal with things differently or my experience was different from theirs. One of my pet hates is the saying, “if I can do it, so can you”. I hate that with a vengeance. I am me and there are some things I can’t do and just because you can do something, doesn’t necessarily mean I can too. I don’t know whether that’s getting off track but I think it comes back too well meaning people telling me, I dealt with what happened to me in this way, so can you. I’m an individual and no, I won’t deal with it in your way, I’ll deal with it in my way. Strong words from someone who has conformed all her life and only learnt 5 years ago that she can be her own person. And I’m proud that I can say that now.
This post doesn't feel like it is quite finished but maybe I'll think on that.
KazzaB
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