Ever Flowing

I look back and see how far I’ve come
A long and winding road, stretching for miles
Mountainous terrain lifts through the fog
A journey that has lots of ups and downs
A river that winds its way through the mountains
Sweeping me along some days, in a rush
And others drifting with the current, serene
Rapids come out of nowhere, plunging me under
But submerged are branches, leading me upward
It feels like I’m on a roller coaster, never still
It’s a journey that never ends, constantly learning
About me, about life, about the past and the future
Life is about personal growth, constant, flowing
A journey through life, ever evolving

Kaz

Chookie Girl

I took some photos this afternoon because I wanted an updated photo of chookie girl, originally called Mabel. I had two chickens, both battery hens so when they came to me they looked a bit scraggly. One chicken died but I still have the other chicken, who is quite a character. She clucks away to me in her own lingo and is determined that one day she'll get a claw into the house, which is going to remain a distant dream, little does she know. She has the run of the back yard, even though I have a chook pen down the back.





Chookies "house"



Part of my backyard



Chookie Girl (Mabel) - thinks she rules the roost!!

Kaz

A speck in time

Washing flapping on the line, soaking up the breeze,
Chookie going about her business, pecking at what only she can see
Leaves on the ground, left from a tree shivering in the cold
Grass, newly mown, scent in the air
Misty, avoiding the chook, nose to the ground, smell of something new
Ducks next door, fighting amongst themselves
A plane, gliding through the air, destination somewhere
Sounds of schoolchildren, free from restraints
The train blows its whistle, can’t possibly be late
Cars forever in motion, a road that constantly moves
A hive of activity, a little world within my hearing
A visual spectrum of the present, a sense of the now
Worlds within worlds, a microcosm of being.

Kaz

Life

***Please note that this poem is a dark one but I'm not about to do anything silly, like harm myself or commit suicide. It's just how I feel at the moment, not a reflection of anything I'm about to do***

Splashes of red on a white stark background
Pale skin, blood drained from its features
Sharp blades, stained and rusted
A bottle of pills, the label soaked with red
Fate, which was always going to catch up
Images in a mind trying to go blank
A lifeless body, vitality drained away
A cry that never left her lips, tears on her face
No chance to say goodbye, no wish to say goodbye
Just life that has slipped away, unable to explain
Why? Words still stuck in her throat
Never to see the light of day, too hard
Too overwhelming, too lonely, too unloved
Too late.

Kaz

The Present

Look around you, what do you see
Do you see the clouds, the sun shining
What do you see, do you see the trees
Branches reaching towards the sky,
Breeze ruffling the leaves, swaying gently
Do you see the birds, willy wag tail being cheeky
A cat sleekly gliding along, tail in the air
What do you see, grass beneath your feet
Green, tickling your toes, still slightly wet
Do you dance, unaware of anyone else
Do you feel the sun on your face, eyes closed
Hear the dog barking, yapping in the distance
What do you see, the river gracefully flowing
Sweeping along, forever never still
Do you paddle your feet, feeling the cold water
Laying on the river bank, smell of river and grass
Do you let the moment seep into your bones,
Aware only of the present, the sounds, the smells
The blissful awareness of time stopped, only the moment
Only the present, no past or future
But just that moment in time, river, grass and sun

Kaz

When

Where do these thoughts come from, that just invade my mind without warning
Jealousy, in its purest form, a deep down feeling that sits within my soul
A sadness that comes with it, a letting go of tears, crying for what I want
Crying for what I need, that I know is not going to be realised, crying for the child within
Not how others would see it, and very hard to explain, too deep down for words
Or maybe it’s shame, probably more the explanation, shame born of wanting something
A shame of needing something, knowing I shouldn’t need, it’s not allowed
A vision of a small child, shamed very early in her life, afraid for much of the time
There’s a longing, a yearning that reaches past all other feelings, that’s never realised
When am I going to let go of it, when am I going to realise it’s past
It can’t happen anymore and still the feeling is there, just waiting until the right moment
I never see myself as being as worthy as others, I never see myself as deserving
I see what I think is right; the thoughts are so pervasive, not as good as anyone else
I don’t know that they’ll ever go, so deeply ingrained they are, a deep feeling of sadness
I know I’m not as good, I know there is always someone else better than me
It’s a feeling inside myself, a knowing, a judgement I suppose of others reactions
What can change it, I really don’t know, there’s a small child within, who just won’t be convinced.

Kaz

Mum

There was a comment on another blog asking why mothers always seem to get the blame for everything. It is an interesting question and I’ve asked myself that in relation to my own mother numerous times.
What do we expect of mothers? For that matter what do I expect of my mother? Did she do the best that she could when I was a child?
In my background the two male members of my family were abusers. Plus there was also a family friend who was an abuser as well. And yet the person I seem to be angriest at the most is my Mum. Why? I’ve thought about it over and over. I’ve cried about it and I’ve grieved for the lost relationship with my Mum because since I started my journey it’s that relationship which has suffered the most. For me, the person I expected the most of was my Mum. Why?
I have this longing in my mind for what I probably see as the ideal Mum. And she probably only exists in my mind. My ideal Mum is nurturing, accepting and protective. When I was growing up my Mum was anything but nurturing and she still isn’t a nurturing person. Maybe she’s accepting but I’m not sure in what way I’m meaning. What she most definitely isn’t is protective.
Am I expecting too much? I do think sometimes I am. I never had the chance to rebel against my parent’s, particularly my mum in a normal healthy way. It would have not been worth the consequences. Besides that I thought I was responsible for her feelings and couldn’t upset her in any way. Things happened in my childhood that shouldn’t have happened and mum wasn’t there. Since I have told her about a couple of things, it turns out I was right not to go to her. Denial is very strong in our family.
Am I being too hard on her and blaming her when she wasn’t the abuser? Maybe I am. But I can’t forgive my mum for not being angry on my behalf, for going into denial, for not wanting to cut off one of the abusers balls for having molested her daughter. If I had a daughter that would be my reaction. My mum has never once asked me how therapy is going, whether I’m still having therapy or how I’m going with dealing with what I’ve told her.
All through my life I have searched for a person to replace my Mum. I have yearned for the relationships I see others have and mourned for what I think I have never had. Is it wrong to blame my Mum for what she may never have been able to give? Perhaps it is. Mum was bought up in a generation where men were put first and growing up my father and brother was always first.
So am I expecting too much? It’s a question I don’t know how to answer. In an ideal world I’d have my mum who would care about what was going on with me, who would want to know, who didn’t bury her head in the sand and deny what had happened to her daughter. I would have a mother who would be nurturing and protective, who looked on her daughter as special to her. But it isn’t an ideal world.
So I don’t know why we blame mothers. Maybe it is an unreasonable expectation. Maybe we have a picture in our minds that is too high for a mother to maintain. My mum most likely did the best she could at the time. And now? I think it is too late to repair our relationship, too much hurt and too much distance. And that's sad.

Kaz