Precipice

I’m standing at the edge of the world; a panorama spread before me
I can see the sun radiating in streams of light, blinding me in its brightness
I feel like anything is possible, even if I might be afraid
The fear sits in my stomach, but still I push ahead, regardless
I’ve learnt that it will eventually pass; the fear and the trepidation
As I push past my comfort zone, I get to know me more and more
I stand on a precipice, crumbling rocks rolling down the hill
I’m teetering but I keep my balance; sometimes I fall but I get back up
Sometimes it proves too much and tears come to my eyes, blurring everything
But they pass and I see everything clearly now; where I have to go
Lack of confidence kept me down before; I don’t want that to happen now
So I make my way down the hill, slipping and sliding, sometimes crawling
But still pushing ahead; never giving up, on myself, on what life can be
Just living for now, starting to believe…………believing……...in life.

Kazza

Placement

Well, what can I say about placement? There is a whole mixture of emotions probably, at testing my skills out in a real counselling situation. I haven’t actually started counselling anyone yet though. My supervisor did an assessment on the client I will have in the future and from now on I will begin counselling her. Providing of course she makes another appointment.

I went into the placement on Friday expecting to slot in like I’ve been there ten years. That’s how I am – no room for mistakes or the fact that it was my first day. Must be perfect!! I felt very inadequate at times, yet the feedback I got was positive. I felt out of my depth and expected myself to know everything, for example writing up an assessment. And yet I’d never done that before.

But I am very aware of my thought processes are how out of kilter they are in comparison to reality. I am a student – they don’t expect me to know everything. I don’t feel sometimes that I am very articulate in my speech and find explaining things difficult at times. But I also know where that comes from and it is something I will work on. I don’t have a lot of inner trust because I wasn’t allowed to develop that as a child. I wasn’t allowed to make decisions and I rarely spoke up. I also wasn’t allowed to have opinions. So I know where I am coming from when I say I don’t have trust in myself or my thoughts.

The positive is that I have a very supportive supervisor and the people are all friendly. I am very eager to learn and everything is interesting to me. I also think I take the initiative quite well, although I may have to watch myself with that because I take independence too far sometimes. I think as I settle in I will gain in confidence. I am never good at going into new situations and it takes me a while to settle. I’m excited to be on placement, although it has been eclipsed by nerves and can’t wait to learn more from my supervisor and the other people at the agency.

Kazza

My Week

It has been a big week this week. I’ve started Uni for 2009 and the first week is always very stressful or I find it is anyway. I’m also starting my placement tomorrow, which was very last minute because I expected to do it next semester. So that’s been a bit of an adjustment, getting my head around being out there in an agency and putting what I’ve learnt to the test. I’m one of those people who needs to be organised otherwise I think I just tend to get in a tizz. And this week I have felt very disorganised, even tho I probably haven’t been.

I’m lucky because the agency I am going to seems to be very supportive of their students. I will have a lovely supervisor who I think will be very good to be placed with for my first experience of counselling. I went through my nursing career with very little confidence, if any and that’s what I’ve been so afraid of with this.

Of course for the first week of uni, they throw the assignments and presentations at you and that always puts me in a spin. Counselling comes under the Arts and Sciences banner now and they are so particular with their referencing and their essays. And every semester we get lectured about the right way to do things and about plagiarism.

I also had some sad news today about my chook. She had been living next door because they have chooks and ducks and she had been escaping over there all the time anyway. My next door neighbour told me today that she died. My next door neighbour’s dog mauled her and she was taken to the vet but it was kinder to put her down. But my neighbour told me she was boss of the chook yard and the other chooks all stood back. All I could think was, that was my Chookie girl – personality plus for a chook. I don’t blame the dog or my neighbour because I think Chookie girl most likely flew at the dog. She had done that with my dog a couple of times. So I am very sad that she had to end her days like that.

Kazza

Wandering Mind

What can I do, sitting here pondering my words
I want to write something, but what I cannot think
Write for the sake of it, for something to say
Or put my typing fingers away, read a good book
I think I’ll just meander, take a walk through my mind
It’s thinking about Uni, going back into the fray
Partly scared, partly excited, mostly ready to go back
Boredom is setting in; I’m ready for mind boosting
Thinking about assignments, reading and more
I become aware of sounds, a cricket in the background
The fan making noisy turns, a duck in the yard next door
I’m aware of an ache in my neck, tired eyes
This poem is a mishmash of different things
My mind wanders again, been cranky lately and feeling down
I know why, so maybe that’s good, to be aware
I don’t like being like that, on the verge of tears all the time
Feel like I’m all alone, very much alone, not a nice feeling at all
My mind jumps to other things, hearing a car out the front
My neighbour working on his boat, so long since I’ve been fishing
Memories of my Grandad bring a smile to my face, I miss him so much
A train toots its horn in the distance, wind chimes jangle in the breeze
I wondered what life was all about last night, whether it was worth it
Misty comes to see what I’m doing, has a doggy talk to me
The breeze is getting brisk; I love the sound of the wind
I didn’t want to be here last night, now I’m glad I am

Kazza

Why can't I?

Grumpy
Very grumpy
Why?
Because I can be
Hide it
Had to hide it
Couldn’t be angry
Couldn’t be grumpy
Sad
Inside sadness
Feeling pushed aside
Boundaries
Fucking boundaries
I hate them
Rigid boundaries
What I always had
One rule for everyone
One rule for me
Couldn’t
Mustn’t
Don’t
Fuck it!!
Anger
Deep down anger
You can’t
You mustn’t
Be good
Be good
Fuck be good
Do what you’re told
Puppet on a string
Dance to the tune
Others can, you can’t
I’m tired of it
I’m bruised by it
I’m sad
Why can’t I……………
Why?

Kazza

Words

I wait for sleep to claim me, eyes shut tightly
Words are going through my mind, in a never ending stream
The words are childish words, almost like a chant
I feel like I’ve regressed, flitting between child and teenager
An image comes into my mind and I try to banish it, I don’t want it there
I never called him daddy, so why is that going through my mind?
It was too childish to call him daddy, even for a child saying her first words
Words keep repeating themselves, repeating, repeating, repeating
In a mind that wants to make sense of something, but can’t seem to grasp it
Sometimes the soul shatters all over again,
And then I have to put it back together, as best I can
All I want is to sleep, for the words to go away, for tightly shut eyes to stay that way
Flitting between child and teenager, grow up, grow up, quickly now
I’ll teach you all about it, I should be allowed to do that, look what you do to me
All my fault, all my fault
A little girl again, learning first words, running through my head
Sleep
Eventually
Words running………..
Sleep..

Kazza

Eyes

I have a thing about eyes. If there is no other part of the face showing – like just the eyes, it really freaks me out. If there is an ad or article in a magazine, with a photo of just the eyes showing, I have been known to cover them over so I can finish reading the page. I wonder why they get to me so much?

It is the same with web pages. When I have gone into my hotmail account I’ve had advertisements that show just the eyes and I hate it. They seem to be staring right at me and it makes me very uncomfortable. Maybe it is because I can’t tell what the expression is? Sometimes you can if the person is really laughing or has expressive eyes. I wonder if then I wouldn’t mind so much – if I could see their expression and knew what it meant.

I think it is because I need to know if they are angry. I think that’s the reason and eyes look angry without the rest of the face. Probably not logical thinking but that’s how it feels to me. I need to know if they are judging me and I can’t see by just the eyes – I need the whole face. It scares me, just seeing the eyes and no other part of the face. For me it is the stuff of nightmares.

Actually just thinking of it sometimes it freaks me even when the whole face is showing and I'm trying to read an article in a magazine. I can't stand someone staring back at me while I'm trying to read. I'm really a bit of an odd bod, aren't I!!

Funny what pushes our buttons, isn’t it?

Kazza