Masks

It happens
Time after time after time
A grief and a deep sadness
A trigger, doesn’t have to be much
But enough to go right to the heart
She puts on a mask
A smiling face and an enjoyment
So that nobody knows how much it hurts
A nagging inside her mind
A knowing that she just isn’t good enough
A picture of a mother
Daughter sitting between her legs
No arms to hold her tight
Child rigid, sitting on the rock
A sense of aloneness, voices teasing her mind
Too heavy to sit on mothers knee
To heavy to be carried inside by dad
And a brother who always got what she wanted
Who wasn’t too heavy, who could be carried
And a child who cried at night time
Where nobody could see her tears
And a sadness that seems to never go away.

Kaz

It's Over!!

It’s all over!! I have survived the presentation. Not only survived but I enjoyed it. I said to some people today I never ever thought I would be standing in front of a group of people giving an hours presentation like I did today. I had a bit of a rough night last night, possibly because of nerves and was a bit flustered this morning but otherwise I didn’t really even have many nerves. I forgot my watch this morning and remembered when I was at the train station but it was too late to dash back home and get it. So that threw me a bit because I needed it for timing but I ended up borrowing a watch.
I can’t believe how much I enjoyed doing it. I have found that I do love teaching, since I started teaching basic computer. So maybe I have found my niche, who knows. It really amazes me that I have come this far and I was comfortable in front of the group this afternoon. It wasn’t a large group, which helped but even in the past when it’s been a small group I have still got anxious. I could even see myself taking small groups in the future although perhaps not large groups!!
This is from a person who has always had an anxiety problem and has always thought that groups were scary. When I first started my training, which was originally in Transactional Analysis, I hated being in a group. I would get so anxious that sometimes I would sit in the car outside and have to push myself to go in. I have really come a long way since then. I’m proud of myself for having pushed through so many comfort zones and not giving up. I would never have believed it five or six years ago.









Kaz

Decision

I feel like I have burst out of the box
And I don’t want to go back in there again
I don’t want to be restricted
To be dismissed and made to shut up
Even if that restriction is within myself
A child who couldn’t say what she wanted
And the feeling was to sit without an opinion
I don’t want to be in the dark anymore
Made to feel like there are bars around me
If I don’t do what is so strong inside me
I won’t be honouring where I’ve been
And how far I’ve finally come






Kaz

One Week To Go

I feel like I have come out of a couple of weeks of feeling like I was completely stuck. I even got up one morning and questioned whether I wanted to continue at Uni. I feel like every time I do an essay it is such an all consuming task. I feel like I have to get everything so perfect in it that it becomes so hard to even put a word down. I think that’s the problem, the hesitation and the agony of typing something that may be wrong. It’s something I’ll have to work on. And as funny as it sounds it is a real pull back sort of feeling, just in case I get it wrong.
Now I have a week until my presentation and I can feel the nerves being there but in a way I’m looking forward to it as well. This week is preparation time where I’ll finish the power point presentation and get all my notes into order. I’ve left the essay for now but will have to come back to that at a later date. I’m not feeling as overwhelmed as I was. I had an essay due today, which was the one that I was feeling so stuck on, I have a skills journal due next Thursday and I have the presentation due on the Monday. I should have the essay ready to hand in as well but the lecturer is pretty good with things like that. He doesn’t stress if it is a bit late.
So I feel like I have come out of the other end a bit. I don’t feel so much like I want to give up Uni although I’ve had a few down days recently. I was trying to figure out why I was feeling so down and why everything was so hard but maybe it is just a combination of things and I have to just ride with them. I think it was just the feeling that I wasn’t going to get everything done and that time was closing in. One week until presentation time – wow.


Kaz

Tired

Tired
Emotions are close to the surface
It’s happening again
And I just have to accept it
Very cryptic this one
Trust
I have to trust
I’m as important
But am I really
Or am I kidding myself
Tired and taking things to heart
She’s taking over again
And I can’t stop her
All the old insecurities are right there
Sometimes I think they’ll never go away
Just too tired to think
But the emotions are there
So I react
To a threat I can’t fight
To a perception that may be wrong
But hits me right inside
I’m not important
I don’t matter
I’ll be ignored
I’m not as good
I’m second best
And I’m too tired to think.

Kaz

Anger

You were never there
Not in mind and not in body
Always preoccupied
With him, with everyone else
Not me
The quiet one
Didn’t have to worry about you
That’s what you told me
That’s because you didn’t look hard enough
Always about someone else though
And now I know how true that is
And the hurts too deep to change things now
The anger, which is directed at others
But really belongs to you
Because its you that ignored me
You that ignores how I feel
You that looks towards others
But never towards me
Always someone else who is better
Do you ever really see me?
Or is everything so superficial
That you don’t think beyond yourself
And when the anger surfaces
As it has now
I know only a deep sadness
At how I can’t convince that little girl inside
That she’s worthy of attention too
That she’s important
That she matters as much as anyone else
But she battles
Because you’ve convinced her otherwise.









Kaz

Abandonment

Abandonment
Just a word
To leave
Left behind
Alone
Harsh word perhaps
Not wanted
Pictures
Of a child
Of a mother
Oblivious
In her own world
Not aware of her child’s
Of the impact
Years later
The insecurity
The need
Not recognised
Yearning for nurture
Not trusting
Seeking
But never finding
Wanting so badly
Not to be left
Abandoned
Alone
Ignored









Kaz