Choosing a Path

I really like the following quote by James Hollis, author of “The Eden Project: In Search of the Magical Other” and “The Middle Passage: From Misery to Meaning in Midlife”:

“I am not only what happened to me; I am also what I choose to become”.

It really stood out for me at this point in my life.

Kazza

Anxiety

I've probably posted this one before but this is how I felt towards the end of last week. And I've decided anxiety is NOT going to get the better of me. I will attack it back and I will win. I HATE being anxious, so much. It plays havoc with my life, it feels like crap and I don't want it anymore.

It can appear suddenly, clawing at my insides
With a pain that grips, like an iron claw
Or it can ache, just sitting there, gnawing away
It doesn’t matter, whatever way it starts
It hurts like nothing on earth, red and nasty
I don’t know what it’s about, most times it doesn’t let me know
It’s vague about the reason, just lets me know it’s there
Sometimes I know and maybe don’t want to acknowledge
It’s an out of control fear, a feeling deep down inside
Something that’s out of my control, that might happen
And I won’t be able to stop it, no matter how much I try
It’s a feeling of impending doom, of being lost
Of being left alone, abandoned and no good anymore
It’s a feeling of not knowing what’s next, of people who can hurt
Without even being aware that they do, it’s a child’s feeling
That comes from knowing hurt, anticipating the worse
It’s a feeling I can’t seem to stop, it bites with ferocious teeth
Sinking in and not letting go, until the fear gradually evaporates
Into thin air, like it never was, but waiting, just waiting
Until the next time, until the pain can hit again, until the feeling of doom comes again
And I can only wait and hope it stays away.

Kazza

I’m floating, in a sea of deep deep purple
A turtle swims beside me, companionably
I never seem to get anywhere, in this sea of purple
The turtle is joined by big green eyed fish, looking straight ahead to no where
We swim for a while, in silence, each contemplating their own journey
A pod of dolphins joins in, doing acrobats and entertaining with their tricks
The sea changes colour, turning into a deep dark red, and suddenly I’m alone
My stomach tightens in fear; my breath comes in shallow gasps
I’m aware of danger, but I can’t see it, it seems to be just out of my reach
I wait for the danger to strike, my stomach in never ending knots, tightening to excruciating pain
When nothing happens, the tightness lessens, my breath starts to become even
But still the fear sits in my belly, some terror within me that just remains out of my awareness
Then suddenly, it passes, the knots lessen, the terror goes away
And I’m swimming again, sometimes getting somewhere, sometimes not
In a deep deep sea of purple, or maybe pink, sometimes blue
Sometimes alone, sometimes with companions, always with something that remains within the deep recesses of my mind
Just out of reach.

Kazza

Precipice

I’m standing at the edge of the world; a panorama spread before me
I can see the sun radiating in streams of light, blinding me in its brightness
I feel like anything is possible, even if I might be afraid
The fear sits in my stomach, but still I push ahead, regardless
I’ve learnt that it will eventually pass; the fear and the trepidation
As I push past my comfort zone, I get to know me more and more
I stand on a precipice, crumbling rocks rolling down the hill
I’m teetering but I keep my balance; sometimes I fall but I get back up
Sometimes it proves too much and tears come to my eyes, blurring everything
But they pass and I see everything clearly now; where I have to go
Lack of confidence kept me down before; I don’t want that to happen now
So I make my way down the hill, slipping and sliding, sometimes crawling
But still pushing ahead; never giving up, on myself, on what life can be
Just living for now, starting to believe…………believing……...in life.

Kazza

Placement

Well, what can I say about placement? There is a whole mixture of emotions probably, at testing my skills out in a real counselling situation. I haven’t actually started counselling anyone yet though. My supervisor did an assessment on the client I will have in the future and from now on I will begin counselling her. Providing of course she makes another appointment.

I went into the placement on Friday expecting to slot in like I’ve been there ten years. That’s how I am – no room for mistakes or the fact that it was my first day. Must be perfect!! I felt very inadequate at times, yet the feedback I got was positive. I felt out of my depth and expected myself to know everything, for example writing up an assessment. And yet I’d never done that before.

But I am very aware of my thought processes are how out of kilter they are in comparison to reality. I am a student – they don’t expect me to know everything. I don’t feel sometimes that I am very articulate in my speech and find explaining things difficult at times. But I also know where that comes from and it is something I will work on. I don’t have a lot of inner trust because I wasn’t allowed to develop that as a child. I wasn’t allowed to make decisions and I rarely spoke up. I also wasn’t allowed to have opinions. So I know where I am coming from when I say I don’t have trust in myself or my thoughts.

The positive is that I have a very supportive supervisor and the people are all friendly. I am very eager to learn and everything is interesting to me. I also think I take the initiative quite well, although I may have to watch myself with that because I take independence too far sometimes. I think as I settle in I will gain in confidence. I am never good at going into new situations and it takes me a while to settle. I’m excited to be on placement, although it has been eclipsed by nerves and can’t wait to learn more from my supervisor and the other people at the agency.

Kazza

My Week

It has been a big week this week. I’ve started Uni for 2009 and the first week is always very stressful or I find it is anyway. I’m also starting my placement tomorrow, which was very last minute because I expected to do it next semester. So that’s been a bit of an adjustment, getting my head around being out there in an agency and putting what I’ve learnt to the test. I’m one of those people who needs to be organised otherwise I think I just tend to get in a tizz. And this week I have felt very disorganised, even tho I probably haven’t been.

I’m lucky because the agency I am going to seems to be very supportive of their students. I will have a lovely supervisor who I think will be very good to be placed with for my first experience of counselling. I went through my nursing career with very little confidence, if any and that’s what I’ve been so afraid of with this.

Of course for the first week of uni, they throw the assignments and presentations at you and that always puts me in a spin. Counselling comes under the Arts and Sciences banner now and they are so particular with their referencing and their essays. And every semester we get lectured about the right way to do things and about plagiarism.

I also had some sad news today about my chook. She had been living next door because they have chooks and ducks and she had been escaping over there all the time anyway. My next door neighbour told me today that she died. My next door neighbour’s dog mauled her and she was taken to the vet but it was kinder to put her down. But my neighbour told me she was boss of the chook yard and the other chooks all stood back. All I could think was, that was my Chookie girl – personality plus for a chook. I don’t blame the dog or my neighbour because I think Chookie girl most likely flew at the dog. She had done that with my dog a couple of times. So I am very sad that she had to end her days like that.

Kazza

Wandering Mind

What can I do, sitting here pondering my words
I want to write something, but what I cannot think
Write for the sake of it, for something to say
Or put my typing fingers away, read a good book
I think I’ll just meander, take a walk through my mind
It’s thinking about Uni, going back into the fray
Partly scared, partly excited, mostly ready to go back
Boredom is setting in; I’m ready for mind boosting
Thinking about assignments, reading and more
I become aware of sounds, a cricket in the background
The fan making noisy turns, a duck in the yard next door
I’m aware of an ache in my neck, tired eyes
This poem is a mishmash of different things
My mind wanders again, been cranky lately and feeling down
I know why, so maybe that’s good, to be aware
I don’t like being like that, on the verge of tears all the time
Feel like I’m all alone, very much alone, not a nice feeling at all
My mind jumps to other things, hearing a car out the front
My neighbour working on his boat, so long since I’ve been fishing
Memories of my Grandad bring a smile to my face, I miss him so much
A train toots its horn in the distance, wind chimes jangle in the breeze
I wondered what life was all about last night, whether it was worth it
Misty comes to see what I’m doing, has a doggy talk to me
The breeze is getting brisk; I love the sound of the wind
I didn’t want to be here last night, now I’m glad I am

Kazza